I will...

...build my own house.

I will...

...build a watermill.

Being Me

*

There is something about October that makes me restless. It's the time of year for transitions. The leaves change, temperatures begin to drop, and nighttime arrives earlier. Give me an adventure, a bit of romance, a second chance at life. Can I get a do over? Have you ever said, 'Let me try that again?'

I love time travel shows. Stories that depict individuals traveling back in time in order to change some past event. I've started watching a TV series called Being Erica.

"She is a young woman, smart and well-educated, but an underachiever who has been perennially unlucky in her career and her love life. She meets the character Dr. Tom who claims that he can help her fix everything that is not going well in her life. Although initially reluctant, she soon learns that what he is offering is the ability to go back in time to relive and even change her deepest regrets.

It sounds like I’m not happy with the present. Is this due to the increasing complexities that come with age or because I’ve lost something dear and want to gain it again?

Erica provides Dr. Tom with a long list of those bad decisions which she most regrets. What he does is transport her back in time to each of those moments so that she, with all the knowledge of her present day life, can make better decisions to fix her life. Regardless of these new decisions, Dr. Tom hopes that Erica will come to the realization that although the opinions of others about her life do matter, it's what she thinks of her decisions and her life that are more important.

Regrets are carrying sorrow or shame regarding past actions or decisions. There are many things I regret. Knowing what I know now, it’s all too easy to look back and wish I’d made different choices. One of the gravest disservices to inflict on myself is to judge the decisions made then based upon what I know now. Knowledge is gained through the portal of trial and error — mistakes are a part of growing. If it is something that can't be "fixed" then let it go. And learn from it so it doesn't happen again. So...Mr. Tom, I pass. This is not the droid you are looking for.

* https://www.instagram.com/permillion44/

I will...

...keep bees.

Humor Raisin

I sooooo understand.

Humor. Just another tasty ingredient in Hermit Cookies.

Reflections

Been watching the seasons of the MTV Catfish show. Wondering if I should become involved in online dating. You never know who you are talking to, except I'd be the one to research and track a catfish. I'm not naive or foolish. The power of an INTJ woman.

Humor Raisins

Just another tasty ingredient in Hermit Cookies.

Drifting

"I sometimes find I’m drifting

Through this life without effect;
I often wonder if I’m truly
Worth what I’ve been blessed.*

I question just where I belong. My life changed dramatically two years ago. Death brings that. Who was I without him? Want to know a secret? I’ve never lived on my own. So I explored this new life. I spent the following year binging on Netflix, redecorating my apartment, playing Elvenar, reading a bunch of books, sitting outside in the sun, lunches with friends, coming and going as I pleased. It was satisfying at first, but I’m adrift now. I don’t find this life fulfilling anymore, and it terrifies me.

"You see me in my daily grind, 
 So confident and strong; 
Yet when I am alone, I question 
 Just where I belong.

Drift Syndrome is “when we can’t figure out why we’re doing what we’re doing...a sense of ‘drift’ settles in”, says David DiSalvo. We just end up where we are because that’s where life took us. Feeling the 'drift' is an emotional trigger for feeling lost". I’m continuing the lifestyle I lived with him. Moving aimlessly. One that left me unfulfilled, unhappy, unmotivated. It’s what I know. The tricky thing about drift is that people rarely want to admit to themselves that they’re drifting.

"Perhaps I make it harder 
Than it has to be sometimes, 
But will my searching bring to me 
My “meaning” over time?

So how do I to catch myself in drift? Knowing and being honest with myself is one of the harder challenges of adult life. Who am I and who do I want to be? I have an idea, but I’m not sure it’s a repeat of failed patterns or if this is truly who I want to be. I’ll have to explore it further. My dream life is out there, all I have to do is take the initiative to make things better.

*Drifting by Kit McCallum 2000