Good Morning

My very helpful clueless husband jarred me awake this morning with 'Hey, what time do you have to be to work?' Argghhhhh....

Monday, Monday La la la la

It's awful knowing that one seventh of our life will be wasted on Mondays. —Anonymous

Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear...'Monday has been cancelled, go back to sleep.' I work for a small town hospital in the business office. With the economy as it is, work has changed. People have lost insurance, people are delaying seeking medical care, medical costs have skyrocketed, and work has morphed into Jerry Mcguire. Show. Me. The. Money. Try to capture the money up front since people often default on medical bills as if this expense was a whim.

♪A mark, a yen, a buck or a pound
A buck or a pound, a buck or a pound
Is all that makes the world go round ♪—Cabaret

I enjoy my job, except for the four most hated words in the English language,…’other duties as assigned’. I have ODAS in a five week rotation; every fifth week is Hell Week. Those duties held me captive last week. On what should have been my return to the world of light and air, I was cast back, a wisp, a shadow. My week was not my week. I was just filling in for the co-worker who went part-time. I would have to repeat Hell Week. It was not fair Lethe was unavailable to keep hell burning. I went to my supervisor to discuss the situation. If you want to get me riled, don’t play fair. Should I now serve double time because I happened to follow her in the roster?

‘When one acts on pity against justice, it is the good whom one punishes for the sake of the evil; when one saves the guilty from suffering, it is the innocent whom one forces to suffer.’ — Hank Rearden 

My supervisor had no solution for me. It was business as usual. She did remark, ‘Have you noticed when you wear brown you get agitated?’ What? Are colors arbitrary? What has a color to do with emotions? I had to find out…

From How Colors Impact Moods, Feelings, and Behaviors: 

"Artists and interior designers have long understood how color can dramatically affect moods, feelings and emotions. It is a powerful communication tool and can be used to signal action, influence mood, and cause physiological reactions.

I asked, does brown cause agitation? What have others found out about the emotion of brown? Rather than starting from scratch in putting together a plan for answering my question, I used the Internet to research.

• Brown is a natural color that evokes a sense of strength and reliability. 
• Brown brings to mind feeling of warmth, comfort, and security. It is often described as natural, down-to-earth, and conventional, but brown can also be sophisticated. 
• Brown is the color of good furniture and favorable smells thus imparting happiness. Amber, auburn, bay, beige, bronze, brunette, buff, burnt sienna, camel, chestnut, chocolate, cinnamon, cocoa, coffee, copper, fallow, fawn, old gold, hazel, khaki, lion, liver, mahogany, nut, ochre, russet, rust, seal brown, sepia, snuff, tan, taupe, toast, tawny, umber. 
• Brown can also create feelings of sadness and isolation. 

Hmmm, these are not words that rankle, goad or irritate. I had to test this. I resolved to wear brown for the entire week to see how things would work out. On Tuesday, I passed my supervisor in the hallway and remarked wow, it has been a day. She pointed at me and stated, ‘Brown’ and kept walking. Next day, I caught her leaving the building. She remarks, ‘Are you doing this on purpose?’ 'No, boss, why would I do that?' All the while keeping a straight face. Thursday and Friday, nothing. Perhaps my wearing of brown had created feelings of sadness and isolation for her? I think it was a great success. I felt confident and strong. What can brown do for you today?

‘Your mind is your only judge of truth–and if others dissent from your verdict, reality is the court of final appeal.’ — John Galt

Ooops, I Did It Again!

Ah, what a day. I was glutenized. It all began when I overslept on Friday and was unable to pack a lunch, as is my habit. Took a chance and ate in the cafeteria at work. Had a bit of a headache later, but that is normal due to chemical sensitivities and the coworkers who insist on wearing perfumes. I was tired on Saturday. Sunday, at lunch, it peaked. The cramping was excruciating. My hands tingled and I lost control over moving my fingers. I don't understand why my gluten reactions mostly happen in the large colon. It will take weeks to heal this episode. Owww, my poor belly.

Drained Away

A war begins. Ugh. My spouse owns a property I affectionately call 'The Shed'. It is a dilapidated and run down mess. The roof is collapsing, the wooden floor is warped and sagging, mice and roaches are the currents tenants.That is not the worse. My spouse is a collector (hoarder). It is full of bits and pieces, most not valuable. The benign sort of 'Wow, someone got rid of this! I can fix it up and sell/use this.' Time passes and the value that might of existed is drained away through neglect.

Contemplation on the Edge of Time

 
Tomorrow. I had a child out of wedlock. My parents made me (Then) give her up for adoption. The me (Now) would have not gone along so acquiescently. I remember avoiding the nursery since I knew she was not mine (Then). She was (Now). A few times I attempted to guess in which of the bassinets along the wall she lay. She started life in the back of the class. I should have asked to see her. She was of me, from me. Could-a, would-a, should-a.

The dilemma? I want to start a search. Unfortunately, the adoption was arranged in a 'closed records' state. I put contact info in her file years ago, but no strangers have knocked on the door. She is 37. Old enough to have unanswered questions. Maybe no one told her. What then?

As I have mentioned other times, I have poor memory. Perhaps it is a consequence of the fibromyalgia I struggle with most days. Perhaps it is a blessing from above to wake unhindered from past mistakes, regrets, and sorrows.

"Everybody needs his memories. They keep the wolf of insignificance from the door.  --Saul Bellow

Ah-OOO ooo oooo oo. I can hear them howling. Insignificance panting on the horizon. Poor memory made me struggle to remember the birth father's name, a boyfriend my junior year of high school. After a few hours of Internet searching, I found him. Facebook. Duh. He recently moved back to the scene of the crime. Also opened that Facebook account. Serendipity. So what now? Do I contact him? To what end? I am searching my motive. Time enough in the tomorrows.

Today. The spouse had the follow up appointment for his edema. We never got the results. His complaints started shortly after we arrived. The customary bitching about the appointment time is merely a suggestion for the doctor. Okay. I agreed, but that is reality. It was bla-bla-bitch all the time in the examining room. After two hours he said outta here and off we go. On the ride home, he says he better not be charged for this visit. Like it is my job to fix that! He did wonder if I would have any repercussions from his actions. Nope, I am not the one acting like an ass. My coworkers know my character. It did amuse me when he ranted the doctor could now call him at home with the results. If only...

Yesterday. I miss waking daily to see my daughter and grandboy. My trip east was restorative. I felt real. I returned to the facade. I want to be there, not here. *Howl*