And That Is When the Fight Started...

#bluemonday. Apparently, January 6th was the most depressing day of 2014. I think the media says that mostly because it’s the end of vacation and everybody has to go back to their regular lives – the party’s over and the holiday bills are due. January was an anniversary for us. And that is when the fight started....

We were now traveling to Ends of the Earth Texas to gather more items. He wanted to load our SUV with scavenged bits and pieces he will put in storage and pay fees to forget. The telling thing, as he was collecting, he mentioned how his dad never let him touch these things when he was living at home. Do you bite your thumb at us, sir? He casually suggests, as a Good Wifey, I can unload the stuff, into our living room, until he has time to put it into a storeroom. I pass. That is until my economical car's timing belt broke. I have valve damage. There is no money for an auto shop to repair it. Seems I now need the SUV to drive for my jobs. I have to unload the stuff into our living room. I deeply resent having to do this. 

"Stuff (stuff) stack it on stack it on up. (Stuff) never gonna ever get enough (stuff). Oh it's treasure till it's mine then it ain't worth a dime. It's stuff (stuff) spreading like weeds. --Diamond Rio, 'Stuff'

While resentment is bubbling to the surface, he is stagnant in the truck yard. He has sleep apnea and new governmental regulations require him to use a CPAP or he is not eligible to drive. No breathee, no drivee. Since he is noncompliant, his doctor grounded him in the yard to 'prove' he will use the machine. I am angry he thought he could bluster and bullshit his way around the doctor's orders. He has not contributed financially in any meaningful or consistent way for a year. I want him to do what is required to keep him on the road—earning. And that is when the fight started…

"Him: Then dammit!!!! Work WITH me on this and STOP being so selfish and petty!!!!
Me: Why is it when I want something other than your wants I am selfish and petty?
Him: Because most times, when you act out like this, YOU ARE. You forget all about my needs. No compromising with you when you do that. I do what I can to keep you going. You do what you can to stop me or beat me down.

People with OCPD have black-or-white thinking. They are usually convinced (and convincing) that they are Right and everyone else is Wrong, about Anything and Everything. I've learned if he feels good, then I am the ‘Good Wifey’. If he experiences frustration, agitation, disappointment, embarrassment, anxiety, fear, suspicion, helplessness, dismay, resentfulness, he explodes with anger, then I'm 'bad' or his ultimate in labels--Selfish and Petty. Compromise means doing things his way.

"And I still find it so hard. To say what I need to say. But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me. Just how I should feel today. --New Order. 'Blue Monday'

Wham! Earworm

I woke singing a song from a karaoke dream. 'Everything She Wants' from Wham! was looping around my brain. You see, I secretly desire to have a mahvelous singing voice. It is one of the things that sealed my attraction to my husband. He has a deep raspy speaking voice, but when he uses it to sing...O, la, la, wet panties. Give me a bit of Joe Cocker any day.

So why do we get songs stuck in our heads? According to howstuffworks:

"Why do songs get inextricably stuck in our heads? Experts say the culprits are earworms (or "ohrwurms," as they're called in Germany). No, they're not parasites that crawl into your ear and lay musical eggs in your brain, but they are parasitic in the sense that they get lodged in your head and cause a sort of "cognitive itch" or "brain itch" -- a need for the brain to fill in the gaps in a song's rhythm.

When we listen to a song, it triggers a part of the brain called the auditory cortex. Researchers at Dartmouth University found that when they played part of a familiar song to research subjects, the participants' auditory cortex automatically filled in the rest -- in other words, their brains kept "singing" long after the song had ended [source: Prokhorov]. The only way to "scratch" brain itch is to repeat the song over and over in your mind. Unfortunately, like with mosquito bites, the more you scratch the more you itch, and so on until you're stuck in an unending song cycle.

There are many other theories about why songs get stuck in our heads. Some researchers say stuck songs are like thoughts we're trying to suppress...(bolding mine)

Somebody tell me ♪ why I work ♪ so hard ♪ for you? It's easy, just surrender, submit, can't say no. This works extremely well with a spouse who has OCPD.

Want Some Naked Pictures of Your Wife?

There’s an old joke about a shifty-looking guy asking a straight-laced man if he has any naked pictures of his wife. After the straight man repeatedly insists he doesn't have any naked pictures of his own wife, Shifty casually asks “You want some?”

My spouse is not speaking to me—again. Not unusual with an OCPDr. I broke a Rule. A rule he set just moments before. Regardless of how minor, the results of breaking a Rule set by an OCPDr, will be unpleasant. They could be: scorn, name-calling, tantrums, sulking, slamming (of doors, cupboards, etc.), rolled eyes, sounds of disgust, withholding of sex or affection, the silent treatment, stomping...I need outside help for this. I posted to a chat room for persons involved with OCPDrs.

"I have tried a search of former threads and not found what I was looking for. Perhaps I don't have the correct words? So I am asking directly. When my DH is home, as I did find in the threads, there is no initiation of sex. It all comes from me. In contrast, when he is away from home, he can't get enough. When we were moving to Ends of the Earth, Texas to care for his father, there was an endless supply. Sometimes it was a straight walk back to the bedroom when I would arrive for visits.

Here is my dilemma today. He is away from home in truck driving school (will be gone a lot in the future). He has once again become very sexual in his texts and phone calls (ick, because it is not our norm). He is demanding naked pictures of me as proof of my love. This topic has come up before and I have said 'NO'. Pictures like these never end up in a good place. How many actresses have regretted nude shots? How many celebrities have had their private pictorial moments exposed, or sold, once an relationship is over? It is not a tool I wish to hand to an emotional wreck. Unfortunately, I caved. Sent one. Hell's floodgates opened! Now he demanded more shots. Then it grew to a picture-a-day. That school is 8 weeks long! What would be next? Scripted shots with plastic pickles? Video?

It was my fault. I should of held to the boundary. You get lax during the calm periods. My coping style is avoidance. I hate confrontation. I am learning to speak up. I knew I had to re-establish the boundary. So I put my foot down and of course, received venom in return. Implied threat he will not be coming home (ha, that is sooo scary, me alone, /sarcasm), I am a bad wife for 'not pleasing him' and expressed understanding in how my ex lost interest in me.

Why this change? Anxiety? He fears loss of control due to the distance?

I wait their replies. 

Take My Father-In-Law Please

Ends of the Earth Tx is firmly in my rear view window. A restraining order puts the kibosh to many a plan. His father obtained a restraining order for ‘elder abuse’. On what basis? I have no idea. I am peaceful and content now and healing from the wounds that we were put through. Being the INTJ I am, I needed intellectual thought to make sense of the emotions. Using my secret power, Googling ability, I searched for any information on aging OCPD personalities, I came across Elder Rage,Or Take My Father Please! Howto Survive Caring for Aging Parents by Jacqueline Marcell. Ms. Marcell never uses the term OCPD in her book, but so much of the behavior of her father fit my situation. The truest quote from the book, 

"Actually, we see this kind of thing all the time when dominating elderly men rebel as they lose their control.’  

Yes, my FIL attempted to keep control with smooth charm, lies, manipulation and bad temper.

I have a framed card of an unattractive old woman on a park bench with a quote from May L. Becker. 

"We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.

It drives home the reality that our life-long character traits just follow us right into old age—often getting intensified and distorted, particularly with the onset of dementia. His father hated change and he was beyond stubborn. It was against all odds to ever win an argument with him. No one ever challenged his father and came out a winner.

And I was dealing with two controlling people who are technically mentally ill, who thrive on argument, leaving reason and logic behind for the sake of debate, who do not respond at all well to criticism or perceived affronts. Have I questioned my sanity in the presence of those two? Yes, but I also realized I was the only sane person in the house. I'm just glad it is over.

(Update: At first my husband stated he would not take any calls from his father. He has softened a bit and the two occasionally talk now. My husband has stated he will not assist his father in any way in the future, no matter his need. As of today, my FIL has had four additional hospitalizations due to his deteriorating health. He has not asked for assistance or even desires that we be informed. He refuses to slow down. The only way this will end is a visit from Joe Black.)

Value Added to Life

How do you find value in your life? Values are priorities that tell you how to spend your time, right here, right now. What creates the greatest value for your life isn't always obvious. I had to think on how I would answer that question...

"I would like to ask...Has your OCPDer experience brought any new value to your life, increased your faith, strengthened your character or resolve, given an opportunity for personal development, increased your compassion, helped others, had some spiritual significance, that you would not have gotten without an OCPDer in your life? We hear about the negatives. Any positives?

• Detachment. A lovely out of body experience. I'm the Watcher.
• Long suffering. No, not suffering long, but the patient endurance of wrong or provocation, combined with a refusal to give up hope for improvement in a disturbed relationship.
• Deep abiding patience. Breathe, just breathe.
• Laughter. One of my very favorite forms of humor is black/dark/gallows humor. It makes light of solemn subject matters. When he is ranting, I am amused amidst the tragedy. I make plans . . . and God laughs.
• Self mastery.
• Becoming kind.
• Joy. Knowing now—It's not me. lol

Sometimes there are two roads to travel, choose the one that provides more value than the other.

"The person attempting to travel two roads at once will get nowhere.—Xun Zi

Mirror, Mirror

The husband is moving us back to his small (2,400 pop.) hometown. His father has recently had a triple bypass and can no longer live on his own. He is 81. I just got off the phone with my husband with my insides all jiggly. 

Seems Dad is giving Son the OCPDer treatment. My husband is complaining of the Jekyll and Hyde treatment he is receiving. The dismissal of any and all advice. The ignoring of the doctor's treatment plan. The insistence that Dad says he is feeling 'just fine' while he weaves unsteadily and gasps for breath, denying the need for the oxygen that accompanied him home. The name calling and bursts of anger when Dad faces the limitations to his new life and shifts blame to my husband. 

Irony is one of my very favorite sources of humor. The pot calling the kettle black. It runs in families and soon I will have two of them to handle. A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.

Can I Get An O - C - P - D?

My husband has it. 'It' being Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or OCPD.

People with...OCPD...tend to be high achievers and feel a sense of urgency about their actions. They may become very upset if other people interfere with their rigid routines. They may not be able to express their anger directly. Instead, people with OCPD experience feelings that they consider more appropriate, like anxiety or frustration.

A person with this personality disorder has symptoms of perfectionism that usually begin in early adulthood. This perfectionism may interfere with the person's ability to complete tasks, because their standards are so rigid.

People with this disorder may emotionally withdraw when they are not able to control a situation. This can interfere with their ability to solve problems and form close relationships.

Some of the other signs of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder include:

• Excess devotion to work
• Inability to throw things away, even when the objects have no value
• Lack of flexibility
• Lack of generosity
• Not wanting to allow other people to do things
• Not willing to show affection
• Preoccupation with details, rules, and lists

Yup. BTDTHTTS. At least now 'It' has a name. There is no cure. It's a personality. I have joined a very helpful online chat group of spouses and SO of OCPDers.