Fletcher: The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!
My husband and I went out to eat tonight. I've been fortunate in having a spell of overtime, but it leaves me spent after eleven hour days. So off to the trough where I don't have to cook or clean up!
We stood in line behind a large group of teenagers accompanied by two or was it three adults? The adults could have been teachers or counselors leading the outing which included pigging out at an all you can eat buffet. The skinny one was off making arrangement with the manager. I heard snippets of the conversation about price and the offer of the party room for them. She returned and spoke quietly to the dark haired one waiting with the group. The cashier began to take their drink orders.
The dark haired one turned to the remainder sharing in a whisper, 'You are all twelve.' My brain went 'Huh?' Not with the breasts on some of those girls. A few looked confused, but quickly snapped to the scam. Some were affronted. They worked really, really hard to be fourteen. Others smiled at getting something for nothing. None objected.
I wanted to raise my hand. Hey, Skinnyocchio, a lie keeps growing and growing until it's as plain as the nose on your face. A pattern is being established tonight for a way of life. Lying is okay to meet your needs. Lie your way to a better life. Lying is normal. You can trust me. I told a lie for you.
*Takes deep breath* Work got difficult one day and stressed me to the max. I had a panic attack and felt totally freaked. Went to the doctor and bawled in the office. Was diagnosed with agoraphobia. Like duh. I don't feel safe unless I am home or with someone I know. Received a prescription for antidepressant and Valium. Took Valium as soon as the prescription was filled.
Oooo, really liked the Valium. Everything was mellow. Keep the Valium in my purse for emergencies. Started feeling better as antidepressant kicked in. Increased my progesterone to supplement GABA production in my brain.
Life is better. Spouse acting very nice. Perhaps he is a pod person? Then had to move our stuff next door so the landlords' could renovate our apartment. Good grief, what a production moving the Smithsonian. Spouse attempted to move it in slow stages. Landlords' finally gave three day deadline. Huff, huff, tote that barge, move that bale. And to think I did give a heads up to the landlords' in December my spouse would need a deadline. I got swept up in the whirlwind. The apartment will look really good when it gets finished. Not, so very not, looking forward to the move back.
Started my Etsy business. Having a blast learning that. Attempting to sew on the weekends. Ordered lots of fun fabric. I found I still need lots more choices. Playing games on Facebook. It got really cold here. My 'Check Engine Light' came on. I suspect because the young man overfilled my gas tank. It has since gone out. Fatigue is a continuing problem. I started Adkins the beginning of February. Lost 7 lbs so far. Amazing for me-the carboholic. This is my extra stress week at work, once every four weeks. I took a Valium today. I miss my blog.
I am strung out and wrung out. I had an anxiety attack at work because the most hated words in the English language are '...and other duties as assigned'.
I made a lateral move at work because what I had been doing for three years was becoming increasingly stressful. I could no longer deal one-on-one with the public. Nothing with a face across from me ever again. A constant barrage of dealing with problems, personalities, and expectations drained me. In my new position, I have an office with a door. I close it when the ambient face noise begins to jar my nerves. I deal with a few outside offices by phone. Most of my work arrives electronically. I am safe in my little office cocoon. I can take mental breaks as needed; get up, move around, surf the net, or visit my coworker to consult on some issue.
Not today. I had to fill the old position. A constant stream of strangers in and out of my office for-eight-straight-hours as I prepared their paperwork. Sign here. Make copies. Separate. Shuffle and staple. Give directions. Thank you for coming. Keep moving because people with faces are waiting. One was a woman with four small children, one of whom climbed on my chair, pulled my mouse cord, used an OUTSIDE voice with her sister, all the while her baby sister was crying.
Several did not speak English. One even stared at me to the point I was freaked out. My phone rang off the hook. I couldn't answer because I was not available to take care of their needs. Messages I could not retrieve are piled up for tomorrow. I broke down and cried. I don't want the old job, but the hated words in my job description allow my boss to assign as she pleases.
My brain is frozen. I don't function in the wintry dark and cold. Seasonal Affective Disorder. I was doing fine until I dared the Universe. The Equinox came and went with no symptoms. The winter had been very mild up to then and I was now on the flip side. I had to speak aloud how well I was doing. This dark season was going to be 'eeeeasy'.
Two days later, well, we have this here entry called Braincicles. I drag myself up at six each morning and claw my way into work. Forgetful. No concentration. Higher levels of anxiety. Need a granny nap in the afternoon. Must..try...to...function. Unfortunately, I'm addicted to eating and hot water so I must go on. I'm so cold...Jack, hold me...
Rose: I love you, Jack.
Jack: Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes. Not yet, do you understand me?
Rose: I'm so cold.
Jack: Listen, Rose. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and you're gonna make lots of babies, and you're gonna watch them grow. You're gonna die an old... an old lady warm in her bed, not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me?
Rose: I can't feel my body.
Jack: Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me... it brought me to you. And I'm thankful for that, Rose. I'm thankful. You must do me this honor. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise.
Rose: I promise.
Jack: Never let go.
Rose: I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go.
I'll not give up. I want to die an old lady with the warmth of the sun on my face. My heart will go on. I wonder what do people do who live above the 33rd parallel?
I had to write a 'bio' for my Etsy page. I have read others--college degrees, design school, Hollywood, years of experience in the fashion industry--sheesh, a bit intimidating. So being me, I improvised. Here it is.
"If I was a Sotheby's catalog listing: A sure to delight 1950s vintage woman. Genuine product of dedicated American craftsmanship. Excellent condition. The signs of her years of service have been preserved. Decorative smile lines enhance the mouth and eyes. Artistic bent gathered from time spent in world travel. Quirky grain running throughout makes a very bold and imaginative statement. Comes equipped with a needle and the desire to please.
There you have it. Me, the bio, a vintage woman looking for serenity in a bit of felt. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Close your eyes and open your heart. When love is flowing, serenity is found. I hope you find something here to love.
I think it suits. Quintessentially quirky.
