Diamond Rio - Stuff

And That Is When the Fight Started...

#bluemonday. Apparently, January 6th was the most depressing day of 2014. I think the media says that mostly because it’s the end of vacation and everybody has to go back to their regular lives – the party’s over and the holiday bills are due. January was an anniversary for us. And that is when the fight started....

We were now traveling to Ends of the Earth Texas to gather more items. He wanted to load our SUV with scavenged bits and pieces he will put in storage and pay fees to forget. The telling thing, as he was collecting, he mentioned how his dad never let him touch these things when he was living at home. Do you bite your thumb at us, sir? He casually suggests, as a Good Wifey, I can unload the stuff, into our living room, until he has time to put it into a storeroom. I pass. That is until my economical car's timing belt broke. I have valve damage. There is no money for an auto shop to repair it. Seems I now need the SUV to drive for my jobs. I have to unload the stuff into our living room. I deeply resent having to do this. 

"Stuff (stuff) stack it on stack it on up. (Stuff) never gonna ever get enough (stuff). Oh it's treasure till it's mine then it ain't worth a dime. It's stuff (stuff) spreading like weeds. --Diamond Rio, 'Stuff'

While resentment is bubbling to the surface, he is stagnant in the truck yard. He has sleep apnea and new governmental regulations require him to use a CPAP or he is not eligible to drive. No breathee, no drivee. Since he is noncompliant, his doctor grounded him in the yard to 'prove' he will use the machine. I am angry he thought he could bluster and bullshit his way around the doctor's orders. He has not contributed financially in any meaningful or consistent way for a year. I want him to do what is required to keep him on the road—earning. And that is when the fight started…

"Him: Then dammit!!!! Work WITH me on this and STOP being so selfish and petty!!!!
Me: Why is it when I want something other than your wants I am selfish and petty?
Him: Because most times, when you act out like this, YOU ARE. You forget all about my needs. No compromising with you when you do that. I do what I can to keep you going. You do what you can to stop me or beat me down.

People with OCPD have black-or-white thinking. They are usually convinced (and convincing) that they are Right and everyone else is Wrong, about Anything and Everything. I've learned if he feels good, then I am the ‘Good Wifey’. If he experiences frustration, agitation, disappointment, embarrassment, anxiety, fear, suspicion, helplessness, dismay, resentfulness, he explodes with anger, then I'm 'bad' or his ultimate in labels--Selfish and Petty. Compromise means doing things his way.

"And I still find it so hard. To say what I need to say. But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me. Just how I should feel today. --New Order. 'Blue Monday'

Reflections

I returned to my place of former employment and slacker coworker stopped me and chatted. She explained how her new coworker makes her regret how she treated me. She misses me. 

"Wow. 

I felt nothing. No triumph. No justification. No regrets. We wear the chains we forged in life. One day you wake up and realize what you missed. And it's going to be too late. I wished her well.

Reflections

I have to be Dory. Working on my Happiness Project.

Wham! Earworm

I woke singing a song from a karaoke dream. 'Everything She Wants' from Wham! was looping around my brain. You see, I secretly desire to have a mahvelous singing voice. It is one of the things that sealed my attraction to my husband. He has a deep raspy speaking voice, but when he uses it to sing...O, la, la, wet panties. Give me a bit of Joe Cocker any day.

So why do we get songs stuck in our heads? According to howstuffworks:

"Why do songs get inextricably stuck in our heads? Experts say the culprits are earworms (or "ohrwurms," as they're called in Germany). No, they're not parasites that crawl into your ear and lay musical eggs in your brain, but they are parasitic in the sense that they get lodged in your head and cause a sort of "cognitive itch" or "brain itch" -- a need for the brain to fill in the gaps in a song's rhythm.

When we listen to a song, it triggers a part of the brain called the auditory cortex. Researchers at Dartmouth University found that when they played part of a familiar song to research subjects, the participants' auditory cortex automatically filled in the rest -- in other words, their brains kept "singing" long after the song had ended [source: Prokhorov]. The only way to "scratch" brain itch is to repeat the song over and over in your mind. Unfortunately, like with mosquito bites, the more you scratch the more you itch, and so on until you're stuck in an unending song cycle.

There are many other theories about why songs get stuck in our heads. Some researchers say stuck songs are like thoughts we're trying to suppress...(bolding mine)

Somebody tell me ♪ why I work ♪ so hard ♪ for you? It's easy, just surrender, submit, can't say no. This works extremely well with a spouse who has OCPD.