I am strung out and wrung out. I had an anxiety attack at work because the most hated words in the English language are '...and other duties as assigned'.
I made a lateral move at work because what I had been doing for three years was becoming increasingly stressful. I could no longer deal one-on-one with the public. Nothing with a face across from me ever again. A constant barrage of dealing with problems, personalities, and expectations drained me. In my new position, I have an office with a door. I close it when the ambient face noise begins to jar my nerves. I deal with a few outside offices by phone. Most of my work arrives electronically. I am safe in my little office cocoon. I can take mental breaks as needed; get up, move around, surf the net, or visit my coworker to consult on some issue.
Not today. I had to fill the old position. A constant stream of strangers in and out of my office for-eight-straight-hours as I prepared their paperwork. Sign here. Make copies. Separate. Shuffle and staple. Give directions. Thank you for coming. Keep moving because people with faces are waiting. One was a woman with four small children, one of whom climbed on my chair, pulled my mouse cord, used an OUTSIDE voice with her sister, all the while her baby sister was crying.
Several did not speak English. One even stared at me to the point I was freaked out. My phone rang off the hook. I couldn't answer because I was not available to take care of their needs. Messages I could not retrieve are piled up for tomorrow. I broke down and cried. I don't want the old job, but the hated words in my job description allow my boss to assign as she pleases.
My brain is frozen. I don't function in the wintry dark and cold. Seasonal Affective Disorder. I was doing fine until I dared the Universe. The Equinox came and went with no symptoms. The winter had been very mild up to then and I was now on the flip side. I had to speak aloud how well I was doing. This dark season was going to be 'eeeeasy'.
Two days later, well, we have this here entry called Braincicles. I drag myself up at six each morning and claw my way into work. Forgetful. No concentration. Higher levels of anxiety. Need a granny nap in the afternoon. Must..try...to...function. Unfortunately, I'm addicted to eating and hot water so I must go on. I'm so cold...Jack, hold me...
Rose: I love you, Jack.
Jack: Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes. Not yet, do you understand me?
Rose: I'm so cold.
Jack: Listen, Rose. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and you're gonna make lots of babies, and you're gonna watch them grow. You're gonna die an old... an old lady warm in her bed, not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me?
Rose: I can't feel my body.
Jack: Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me... it brought me to you. And I'm thankful for that, Rose. I'm thankful. You must do me this honor. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise.
Rose: I promise.
Jack: Never let go.
Rose: I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go.
I'll not give up. I want to die an old lady with the warmth of the sun on my face. My heart will go on. I wonder what do people do who live above the 33rd parallel?
I had to write a 'bio' for my Etsy page. I have read others--college degrees, design school, Hollywood, years of experience in the fashion industry--sheesh, a bit intimidating. So being me, I improvised. Here it is.
"If I was a Sotheby's catalog listing: A sure to delight 1950s vintage woman. Genuine product of dedicated American craftsmanship. Excellent condition. The signs of her years of service have been preserved. Decorative smile lines enhance the mouth and eyes. Artistic bent gathered from time spent in world travel. Quirky grain running throughout makes a very bold and imaginative statement. Comes equipped with a needle and the desire to please.
There you have it. Me, the bio, a vintage woman looking for serenity in a bit of felt. Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you. Close your eyes and open your heart. When love is flowing, serenity is found. I hope you find something here to love.
I think it suits. Quintessentially quirky.
I made a decision. Good or bad, I don’t know, but it felt right. I am staying in my marriage. He said something to me that caused me to re-evaluate my expectations. To me, marriage is a partnership of common goals and ideals. I picture it as a pioneer couple on the frontier. Each may have duties, but the goal is to carve out a homestead. At the end of a life, there is proof positive of things accomplished, tangible things left behind, a mark on the face of the planet.
When I expected him to fulfill his duties like cut the wood, haul the water and hunt a critter duties, I got disappointed. I isolated myself, which I know is a poor coping skill. Hiding does not help with reaching a goal like happiness. I can’t remember the words said. I have had memory problems ever since I was a child. I can recall the emotion of the words. It was an ‘Oh’ moment. Oh, I need to find my own happiness because you are not my pioneering partner. Oh, I can do that. Oh, I will do this instead. Oh, I feel empowered. I have found an outlet for the creative-accomplishing-tangible-things-left-behind need. I have been setting up an Etsy business. I have always, always wanted to own a business and work from home. So there it is--a New Year's revolution. Find happiness, not outside my marriage, but inside myself.
