I made a decision. Good or bad, I don’t know, but it felt right. I am staying in my marriage. He said something to me that caused me to re-evaluate my expectations. To me, marriage is a partnership of common goals and ideals. I picture it as a pioneer couple on the frontier. Each may have duties, but the goal is to carve out a homestead. At the end of a life, there is proof positive of things accomplished, tangible things left behind, a mark on the face of the planet.
When I expected him to fulfill his duties like cut the wood, haul the water and hunt a critter duties, I got disappointed. I isolated myself, which I know is a poor coping skill. Hiding does not help with reaching a goal like happiness. I can’t remember the words said. I have had memory problems ever since I was a child. I can recall the emotion of the words. It was an ‘Oh’ moment. Oh, I need to find my own happiness because you are not my pioneering partner. Oh, I can do that. Oh, I will do this instead. Oh, I feel empowered. I have found an outlet for the creative-accomplishing-tangible-things-left-behind need. I have been setting up an Etsy business. I have always, always wanted to own a business and work from home. So there it is--a New Year's revolution. Find happiness, not outside my marriage, but inside myself.
