For The Want of A Nail...

I asked my husband if he would run down to the corner store to pick up a gallon of milk with a free coupon. As he was soon leaving to do some errands could he could run to the store and back for me? Perfect. He refused. Nevermind, I got dressed. On my way out, he remarked, was I going for milk? I said I had to since he wouldn't. Oh, man that was a match to gasoline. A fountain of anger to the words of: He was not my puppy dog. I could get off my lazy ass and go do it myself. It wasn’t like I was doing anything. I got the milk. Did it end there? No. A Facebook message waited for me.

"Thanx for once again screwing up a perfectly peaceful Sunday with your selfishness!

 All I did was ask my husband to run down to the store for a gallon of milk as many other wives do. For the want of a nail (or a gallon of milk)…He doesn’t see the butterfly effect in all these small encounters. His anger is destroying this marriage.

PS Here it is now hours later. He is done playing very important Facebook games and is stretched out to ‘watch’ a movie which translates into 'I am going to fall asleep'. What about those errands he was going to run? He’ll do them later.

Dragonfly In Amber

We are obsessed with time. We have appliances and gizmos to save time. We are encouraged to spend time wisely, time heals all wounds or wounds all heels, time is money, time flies, killing time until it kills you, life's like an hourglass, glued to the table. There are even those who have chronomania. The hurry up disease of attempting to burn the candle at both ends. Faster, faster, faster! Whatever we try to do, it’s all in the hopes of stopping time. Libera me, domine, de morte aeterna, deliver me, o Lord, from eternal death. Kurt Vonnegut wrote, ‘Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment.’ Since eviction from the garden, man has sought immortality. My son has bestowed that on me. I am a dragonfly in amber.

Dragonflies are inhabitants of two realms - a watery birth then metamorphosis to an airy death. The eggs hatch in water and a nymph emerges to grow and develop. They are short and chunky with a crusty hump on their backs, Odonata mini-Quasimodo. This portion of the dragonfly life cycle can take up to four years to complete. The nymph will complete the metamorphosis into a dragonfly by crawling out of the water, shedding it’s skin and emerging as a young dragonfly. They maneuver incredibly sensitive iridescent wings in the slightest breeze. Dashing, darting, hovering and vibrating over the waters all the while hunting for food.

I admit his childhood was not easy as I worked out my own dysfunctional template, imprinting a new generation with faulty traditions. My son was a defiant and difficult child. I only knew one way to handle him. Fossilized in his memory, I am the angry woman married to an alcoholic on the cusp of divorce. Life isn't measured in minutes, but in moments, and he chose this one to preserve.

It saddens me, the looking back through amber colored glass, but I am not left without hope. Dragonflies are a symbol of the sense of self that comes with maturity. Alis volat propiis, She flies with her own wings. I have gained insight, become peaceful, and reconnected with my son. Dragonflies have about 30,000 facets to their compound eyes, giving them nearly a 360° field of vision. A circle. I honestly feel like I've come full circle and my heart is finally in the right place. Adult dragonflies live a short life, about two months, and it knows it must live to the fullest with what it has. This lesson is huge for each of us. We become our best when the life we have left is the shortest.