The Sky Is Falling or On Being a Defensive Pessimist

"I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears,and part of it fell on my head!

Don’t try to tell me different. I know when the fit is gonna hit the shan. I have it all planned out. Dr. Julie K. Norem, a psychology professor at Wellesley College,calls it "defensive pessimism." And studies have found that people who exhibit it are actually less stressed when they indulge in their Chicken-Little-The-Sky-Is-Falling routine than when they are forced to express more optimistic or hopeful thoughts. 

I have read the stories of people who have harnessed the power of negative thinking in her book, THE POSITIVE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING. The strategy is to (1) lower expectations to help prepare for the worst; (2) mentally play through all the bad things that might happen, a litany of ‘what if’s’. Though it sounds as if it might be depressing, defensive pessimism actually helps anxious people focus away from their emotions so that they can plan and act effectively. It works quite well for me with one small problem.

Chicken Little lives with the Ostrich, better known as a Strategic Optimist, the other end of the coping scale. He sticks his head in the sand assuming nothing much will get in his way because the world is rose-colored. Feathers fly because his is the only coping mechanism deemed acceptable. No ‘what if’s’ are allowed, no questions asked, no detailed research done. He wonders, why am I so negative? Why can’t I just ‘trust him’? Can’t I just ‘relax’? In fact, he contends, I invite negative consequences by planning ways to handle them. 

Dr. Norem says, "A strategic optimist's unconscious goal is not to become anxious. A defensive pessimist's unconscious goal is not to run away." In experiments Norem conducted, defensive pessimists didn't perform as well when they employed relaxation or positive thinking techniques. So how can these two styles cohabit happily?

• Pick your battles. Focus on what truly matters. Don't fight over something that's none of your business, or that you can't do anything about. Make sure the argument is going to solve something.

• Initiate a Ceasefire. Respect the differences. The differences can enhance your relationship if you work with them rather than fight over them. Realize he is handling his anxiety by avoiding thoughts about the situation.

• Surrender. Devoting anxious energy to what could go wrong is strategic. Wallowing over what's already gone wrong is wasteful. If you can't fix it, let it go.

Despite my negativity, I am optimistic. I am a happy pessimist, but I carry an umbrella in the trunk of my car even if the sun is shining.