Thunderstruck

I owned a dog once who hated storms. When the large clouds roll in, and even before the first crash of thunder hit, this dog would panic, running in search of a safe place to hide. He would claw his way into my lap, pant, and drool puddles. Ick. That’s me right now. I’m scared, scrambling for a safe place. Starting life over again is scary. I want to wake up and this be a bad dream. I came across this tidbit.

Change is Good – There are individuals who despise change. Look closely and you will see these are the same people who get left behind in their careers, in their personal lives and tend to suffer more than those who are more adaptable. When you are willing to change you open yourself up to receive and experience new things. It is these things that provide you with the nuggets of wisdom you’ve been looking for that makes a difference in your life. You can stand still and fight change all you want but it’s a losing battle!

There is my silver lining spin. I want change. I am adaptable...Wait. Just. A. Freaking. Minute. What new age philosophy dribble is that? I don't want this change. I want a happy marriage. I want to rage, rant, cry, vomit, smack a Divasaurus, all at the same time. It is so not fair. *Kicking and screaming* Not fair. He has not spoke to me since the gauntlet hit the ground. I constantly question myself. Should I cave? Should I attempt a reconciliation? Am I being a bad wife? Could I just pretend this never happened? Close your eyes, click your heels and whisper this a million times--it is about control. He had it and you were. He will not change. What to do? 

 ♫ No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe ♫

Sam Baldwin, Sleepless in Seattle, 'Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

It was great and perfect for a while. Then it wasn't for a long time. Time for grief.