Large Meaty Lumps of Flesh

Oh man, oh man. I've known my blood glucose was not in the healthy range. I have a meter. Morning fasting levels range from 108 to 112 thereabout. I did a over-the-counter A1C (a bargain for a blood test at $40 US dollars) and had the result of 6.6. What is bothering me now is the tingling and numbness in my hands. I use my hands to do delicate stitch work for my Etsy business. Some days it seems impossible to thread a needle with the large meaty lumps of flesh that are located on the ends of my arms. 

"One of the first signs of diabetes is tingling in the hands and feet. High blood sugar levels as a result of insulin resistance can lead to nerve damage, causing the sensation of tingling or numbness in toes and fingers. Nerve damage connected with PreDiabetes may also cause burning pain in your arms, hands and feet. Early recognition of such diabetes symptoms may enable you to reverse the diabetes process.

Early recognition? Got that. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Take. Medication. Metformin and possible liver damage. I am a 2 percenter. You ever read those side effect notifications on boxes? There is a 2% chance some will experience...major side effects, death. Uh, *raises hand*. I am a sensitive. I have lost 15 pounds so far. I have some supplements enroute to help me with my methylation problem. I truly hope to overcome the chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and impaired glucose problem by getting my cells to function properly. 

At the end of the day all you need is hope and strength. Hope it will get better. Strength to hold on until it does.

The 100 Best Curse Words & Phrases of All Time!

Reflections

There are times I really, really hate life, my life. My part time job has now turned into a full time plus overtime job. I work nine hours plus, five days a week. The exhaustion is returning. The anger. The joyless existence I had when I worked at the hospital. I have no life again.  

I've been struggling to complete a new post for this blog, I have a sewing project on hold, I have housework piling up...My brain has gone numb.  It is not worth those big paychecks I get. 

Today I thought I escaped the mandatory overtime since I did not get the phone call to carry on. But NO!!!! they called me late and said to carry on.... So I don't get to snooze a bit more which my body is crying for. Rest, lady, rest. Seems like the only real rest I will get is in the grave. I can see my headstone now. Here lies a lady who made big paychecks but wasted her life.

You big cry baby. Pardon me a moment...Waaaah!! Cathartic.

Want Some Naked Pictures of Your Wife?

There’s an old joke about a shifty-looking guy asking a straight-laced man if he has any naked pictures of his wife. After the straight man repeatedly insists he doesn't have any naked pictures of his own wife, Shifty casually asks “You want some?”

My spouse is not speaking to me—again. Not unusual with an OCPDr. I broke a Rule. A rule he set just moments before. Regardless of how minor, the results of breaking a Rule set by an OCPDr, will be unpleasant. They could be: scorn, name-calling, tantrums, sulking, slamming (of doors, cupboards, etc.), rolled eyes, sounds of disgust, withholding of sex or affection, the silent treatment, stomping...I need outside help for this. I posted to a chat room for persons involved with OCPDrs.

"I have tried a search of former threads and not found what I was looking for. Perhaps I don't have the correct words? So I am asking directly. When my DH is home, as I did find in the threads, there is no initiation of sex. It all comes from me. In contrast, when he is away from home, he can't get enough. When we were moving to Ends of the Earth, Texas to care for his father, there was an endless supply. Sometimes it was a straight walk back to the bedroom when I would arrive for visits.

Here is my dilemma today. He is away from home in truck driving school (will be gone a lot in the future). He has once again become very sexual in his texts and phone calls (ick, because it is not our norm). He is demanding naked pictures of me as proof of my love. This topic has come up before and I have said 'NO'. Pictures like these never end up in a good place. How many actresses have regretted nude shots? How many celebrities have had their private pictorial moments exposed, or sold, once an relationship is over? It is not a tool I wish to hand to an emotional wreck. Unfortunately, I caved. Sent one. Hell's floodgates opened! Now he demanded more shots. Then it grew to a picture-a-day. That school is 8 weeks long! What would be next? Scripted shots with plastic pickles? Video?

It was my fault. I should of held to the boundary. You get lax during the calm periods. My coping style is avoidance. I hate confrontation. I am learning to speak up. I knew I had to re-establish the boundary. So I put my foot down and of course, received venom in return. Implied threat he will not be coming home (ha, that is sooo scary, me alone, /sarcasm), I am a bad wife for 'not pleasing him' and expressed understanding in how my ex lost interest in me.

Why this change? Anxiety? He fears loss of control due to the distance?

I wait their replies. 

Reflections

My spouse and I are driving to the pharmacy late at night. We pass a house with a red porch light. Course the inevitable association of red light districts is mentioned by him.

I inquired if he visited the red light district in the one European country he visited long before we were married.Did he do a 'bit of window shopping'. He replies in the positive.

Silence. Driving. 

Should I ask the next question? Sure, why not? I inquired did you do a 'bit of purchasing'? He declined to answer as it was 'none of my business'. 

I still learned things. You can't answer the 'if' part of the equation and decline the 'then'. If you want example sentences using if-then, then I'll give you a few.

• If you don't behave, then you'll be grounded.
• If you don't have the keys for the car, then it will be difficult to start the vehicle.
• If the batteries are dead, then the TV remote won't work.
• If you skydive without a parachute, then you'll have a really bad day.
• If you run into a brick wall, then a visit to the hospital will probably follow.
• If you window shopped, then you probably bought.

Take My Father-In-Law Please

Ends of the Earth Tx is firmly in my rear view window. A restraining order puts the kibosh to many a plan. His father obtained a restraining order for ‘elder abuse’. On what basis? I have no idea. I am peaceful and content now and healing from the wounds that we were put through. Being the INTJ I am, I needed intellectual thought to make sense of the emotions. Using my secret power, Googling ability, I searched for any information on aging OCPD personalities, I came across Elder Rage,Or Take My Father Please! Howto Survive Caring for Aging Parents by Jacqueline Marcell. Ms. Marcell never uses the term OCPD in her book, but so much of the behavior of her father fit my situation. The truest quote from the book, 

"Actually, we see this kind of thing all the time when dominating elderly men rebel as they lose their control.’  

Yes, my FIL attempted to keep control with smooth charm, lies, manipulation and bad temper.

I have a framed card of an unattractive old woman on a park bench with a quote from May L. Becker. 

"We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.

It drives home the reality that our life-long character traits just follow us right into old age—often getting intensified and distorted, particularly with the onset of dementia. His father hated change and he was beyond stubborn. It was against all odds to ever win an argument with him. No one ever challenged his father and came out a winner.

And I was dealing with two controlling people who are technically mentally ill, who thrive on argument, leaving reason and logic behind for the sake of debate, who do not respond at all well to criticism or perceived affronts. Have I questioned my sanity in the presence of those two? Yes, but I also realized I was the only sane person in the house. I'm just glad it is over.

(Update: At first my husband stated he would not take any calls from his father. He has softened a bit and the two occasionally talk now. My husband has stated he will not assist his father in any way in the future, no matter his need. As of today, my FIL has had four additional hospitalizations due to his deteriorating health. He has not asked for assistance or even desires that we be informed. He refuses to slow down. The only way this will end is a visit from Joe Black.)

Reflections

I had forgotten about the movie 'Nell'.  Jodie Foster is a woman who was raised in the woods with no human contact except her speech-impaired mother. The movie covers a familiar `fish out of water` story unlocking Nell's soul and then taking her into the modern world. I enjoyed the solitude and the tremendous space of green forests.The film builds to a heartrending and passionate, rather unrealistic, courtroom self-defense speech by Nell, in which she calls the principles of modern civilization itself into question.

"You have big things. You know big things. But you don't look into each others eyes. And you're hungry for quietness.'

Ya, right. I'm about to live in the hungry quiet of Ends Of The Earth Texas. Maybe I'll go show my breasts in a pool hall.

I Believe in Kindness, Love and the Human Spirit

I have an acquaintance who is an atheist. Not that there is anything wrong with that. 

What is wrong is her choice of entertainment. She likes to 'troll' Christian web pages leaving comments. I assumed trolling was something unpleasant because literature has depicted these creatures as ugly and slow-witted. Urban Dictionary gave me this description:

"the art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off, usually via the internet, using dialogue.

Trolling is the act of purposefully antagonizing other people on the internet. She likes to use the knowledge gained from association with family members who were doctors in theology and divinity for debate, or rather berate. It is an amusement.
We are human beings, intelligent and self-aware, possessing both reason and emotion, with the potential for immense good as well as terrible evil. I am sad about her choice of paths, her rejection of 'myths', has not made her a kinder or gentler person. If she believes religion is harming people on the earth, holding back human advancement, replacing it with bullying is not the way to go.

"I believe in kindness, love, and the human spirit and their ability to overcome challenges and adversity and to create a better world. --The Atheist Creed

Humor Raisins

Just another tasty ingredient in Hermit Cookies.

Value Added to Life

How do you find value in your life? Values are priorities that tell you how to spend your time, right here, right now. What creates the greatest value for your life isn't always obvious. I had to think on how I would answer that question...

"I would like to ask...Has your OCPDer experience brought any new value to your life, increased your faith, strengthened your character or resolve, given an opportunity for personal development, increased your compassion, helped others, had some spiritual significance, that you would not have gotten without an OCPDer in your life? We hear about the negatives. Any positives?

• Detachment. A lovely out of body experience. I'm the Watcher.
• Long suffering. No, not suffering long, but the patient endurance of wrong or provocation, combined with a refusal to give up hope for improvement in a disturbed relationship.
• Deep abiding patience. Breathe, just breathe.
• Laughter. One of my very favorite forms of humor is black/dark/gallows humor. It makes light of solemn subject matters. When he is ranting, I am amused amidst the tragedy. I make plans . . . and God laughs.
• Self mastery.
• Becoming kind.
• Joy. Knowing now—It's not me. lol

Sometimes there are two roads to travel, choose the one that provides more value than the other.

"The person attempting to travel two roads at once will get nowhere.—Xun Zi

Reflections

I got wrote up today at work for absences. So they make me sick with perfumes and other scented products then write me up when I have to go home and recover. Niiii-cccccce. I went to HR and picked up an application for FMLA. It's a job condom. Protection from being screwed.

Reflections

I don't want to live in a third world country. My future is a small Texas town dying on the edge of nowhere. 

Mirror, Mirror

The husband is moving us back to his small (2,400 pop.) hometown. His father has recently had a triple bypass and can no longer live on his own. He is 81. I just got off the phone with my husband with my insides all jiggly. 

Seems Dad is giving Son the OCPDer treatment. My husband is complaining of the Jekyll and Hyde treatment he is receiving. The dismissal of any and all advice. The ignoring of the doctor's treatment plan. The insistence that Dad says he is feeling 'just fine' while he weaves unsteadily and gasps for breath, denying the need for the oxygen that accompanied him home. The name calling and bursts of anger when Dad faces the limitations to his new life and shifts blame to my husband. 

Irony is one of my very favorite sources of humor. The pot calling the kettle black. It runs in families and soon I will have two of them to handle. A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.

Can I Get An O - C - P - D?

My husband has it. 'It' being Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or OCPD.

People with...OCPD...tend to be high achievers and feel a sense of urgency about their actions. They may become very upset if other people interfere with their rigid routines. They may not be able to express their anger directly. Instead, people with OCPD experience feelings that they consider more appropriate, like anxiety or frustration.

A person with this personality disorder has symptoms of perfectionism that usually begin in early adulthood. This perfectionism may interfere with the person's ability to complete tasks, because their standards are so rigid.

People with this disorder may emotionally withdraw when they are not able to control a situation. This can interfere with their ability to solve problems and form close relationships.

Some of the other signs of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder include:

• Excess devotion to work
• Inability to throw things away, even when the objects have no value
• Lack of flexibility
• Lack of generosity
• Not wanting to allow other people to do things
• Not willing to show affection
• Preoccupation with details, rules, and lists

Yup. BTDTHTTS. At least now 'It' has a name. There is no cure. It's a personality. I have joined a very helpful online chat group of spouses and SO of OCPDers.