Reflections

I have been struggling with how to put a major shift in consciousness into words. I found the words on Pinterest.

"The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours. It is an amazing journey and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.

December  20, 2019 was that day. I awoke to a superpower of awareness. I would use that power to shape my world into a goal driven place. I would no longer drift. I would stop living the same year over and over. 

.

I will...

...build my own house.

I will...

...build a watermill.

Being Me

*

There is something about October that makes me restless. It's the time of year for transitions. The leaves change, temperatures begin to drop, and nighttime arrives earlier. Give me an adventure, a bit of romance, a second chance at life. Can I get a do over? Have you ever said, 'Let me try that again?'

I love time travel shows. Stories that depict individuals traveling back in time in order to change some past event. I've started watching a TV series called Being Erica.

"She is a young woman, smart and well-educated, but an underachiever who has been perennially unlucky in her career and her love life. She meets the character Dr. Tom who claims that he can help her fix everything that is not going well in her life. Although initially reluctant, she soon learns that what he is offering is the ability to go back in time to relive and even change her deepest regrets.

It sounds like I’m not happy with the present. Is this due to the increasing complexities that come with age or because I’ve lost something dear and want to gain it again?

Erica provides Dr. Tom with a long list of those bad decisions which she most regrets. What he does is transport her back in time to each of those moments so that she, with all the knowledge of her present day life, can make better decisions to fix her life. Regardless of these new decisions, Dr. Tom hopes that Erica will come to the realization that although the opinions of others about her life do matter, it's what she thinks of her decisions and her life that are more important.

Regrets are carrying sorrow or shame regarding past actions or decisions. There are many things I regret. Knowing what I know now, it’s all too easy to look back and wish I’d made different choices. One of the gravest disservices to inflict on myself is to judge the decisions made then based upon what I know now. Knowledge is gained through the portal of trial and error — mistakes are a part of growing. If it is something that can't be "fixed" then let it go. And learn from it so it doesn't happen again. So...Mr. Tom, I pass. This is not the droid you are looking for.

* https://www.instagram.com/permillion44/

I will...

...keep bees.

Humor Raisin

I sooooo understand.

Humor. Just another tasty ingredient in Hermit Cookies.

Reflections

Been watching the seasons of the MTV Catfish show. Wondering if I should become involved in online dating. You never know who you are talking to, except I'd be the one to research and track a catfish. I'm not naive or foolish. The power of an INTJ woman.

Humor Raisins

Just another tasty ingredient in Hermit Cookies.

Drifting

"I sometimes find I’m drifting

Through this life without effect;
I often wonder if I’m truly
Worth what I’ve been blessed.*

I question just where I belong. My life changed dramatically two years ago. Death brings that. Who was I without him? Want to know a secret? I’ve never lived on my own. So I explored this new life. I spent the following year binging on Netflix, redecorating my apartment, playing Elvenar, reading a bunch of books, sitting outside in the sun, lunches with friends, coming and going as I pleased. It was satisfying at first, but I’m adrift now. I don’t find this life fulfilling anymore, and it terrifies me.

"You see me in my daily grind, 
 So confident and strong; 
Yet when I am alone, I question 
 Just where I belong.

Drift Syndrome is “when we can’t figure out why we’re doing what we’re doing...a sense of ‘drift’ settles in”, says David DiSalvo. We just end up where we are because that’s where life took us. Feeling the 'drift' is an emotional trigger for feeling lost". I’m continuing the lifestyle I lived with him. Moving aimlessly. One that left me unfulfilled, unhappy, unmotivated. It’s what I know. The tricky thing about drift is that people rarely want to admit to themselves that they’re drifting.

"Perhaps I make it harder 
Than it has to be sometimes, 
But will my searching bring to me 
My “meaning” over time?

So how do I to catch myself in drift? Knowing and being honest with myself is one of the harder challenges of adult life. Who am I and who do I want to be? I have an idea, but I’m not sure it’s a repeat of failed patterns or if this is truly who I want to be. I’ll have to explore it further. My dream life is out there, all I have to do is take the initiative to make things better.

*Drifting by Kit McCallum 2000

 

Diamond Rio - Stuff

And That Is When the Fight Started...

#bluemonday. Apparently, January 6th was the most depressing day of 2014. I think the media says that mostly because it’s the end of vacation and everybody has to go back to their regular lives – the party’s over and the holiday bills are due. January was an anniversary for us. And that is when the fight started....

We were now traveling to Ends of the Earth Texas to gather more items. He wanted to load our SUV with scavenged bits and pieces he will put in storage and pay fees to forget. The telling thing, as he was collecting, he mentioned how his dad never let him touch these things when he was living at home. Do you bite your thumb at us, sir? He casually suggests, as a Good Wifey, I can unload the stuff, into our living room, until he has time to put it into a storeroom. I pass. That is until my economical car's timing belt broke. I have valve damage. There is no money for an auto shop to repair it. Seems I now need the SUV to drive for my jobs. I have to unload the stuff into our living room. I deeply resent having to do this. 

"Stuff (stuff) stack it on stack it on up. (Stuff) never gonna ever get enough (stuff). Oh it's treasure till it's mine then it ain't worth a dime. It's stuff (stuff) spreading like weeds. --Diamond Rio, 'Stuff'

While resentment is bubbling to the surface, he is stagnant in the truck yard. He has sleep apnea and new governmental regulations require him to use a CPAP or he is not eligible to drive. No breathee, no drivee. Since he is noncompliant, his doctor grounded him in the yard to 'prove' he will use the machine. I am angry he thought he could bluster and bullshit his way around the doctor's orders. He has not contributed financially in any meaningful or consistent way for a year. I want him to do what is required to keep him on the road—earning. And that is when the fight started…

"Him: Then dammit!!!! Work WITH me on this and STOP being so selfish and petty!!!!
Me: Why is it when I want something other than your wants I am selfish and petty?
Him: Because most times, when you act out like this, YOU ARE. You forget all about my needs. No compromising with you when you do that. I do what I can to keep you going. You do what you can to stop me or beat me down.

People with OCPD have black-or-white thinking. They are usually convinced (and convincing) that they are Right and everyone else is Wrong, about Anything and Everything. I've learned if he feels good, then I am the ‘Good Wifey’. If he experiences frustration, agitation, disappointment, embarrassment, anxiety, fear, suspicion, helplessness, dismay, resentfulness, he explodes with anger, then I'm 'bad' or his ultimate in labels--Selfish and Petty. Compromise means doing things his way.

"And I still find it so hard. To say what I need to say. But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me. Just how I should feel today. --New Order. 'Blue Monday'

Reflections

I returned to my place of former employment and slacker coworker stopped me and chatted. She explained how her new coworker makes her regret how she treated me. She misses me. 

"Wow. 

I felt nothing. No triumph. No justification. No regrets. We wear the chains we forged in life. One day you wake up and realize what you missed. And it's going to be too late. I wished her well.

Reflections

I have to be Dory. Working on my Happiness Project.

Wham! Earworm

I woke singing a song from a karaoke dream. 'Everything She Wants' from Wham! was looping around my brain. You see, I secretly desire to have a mahvelous singing voice. It is one of the things that sealed my attraction to my husband. He has a deep raspy speaking voice, but when he uses it to sing...O, la, la, wet panties. Give me a bit of Joe Cocker any day.

So why do we get songs stuck in our heads? According to howstuffworks:

"Why do songs get inextricably stuck in our heads? Experts say the culprits are earworms (or "ohrwurms," as they're called in Germany). No, they're not parasites that crawl into your ear and lay musical eggs in your brain, but they are parasitic in the sense that they get lodged in your head and cause a sort of "cognitive itch" or "brain itch" -- a need for the brain to fill in the gaps in a song's rhythm.

When we listen to a song, it triggers a part of the brain called the auditory cortex. Researchers at Dartmouth University found that when they played part of a familiar song to research subjects, the participants' auditory cortex automatically filled in the rest -- in other words, their brains kept "singing" long after the song had ended [source: Prokhorov]. The only way to "scratch" brain itch is to repeat the song over and over in your mind. Unfortunately, like with mosquito bites, the more you scratch the more you itch, and so on until you're stuck in an unending song cycle.

There are many other theories about why songs get stuck in our heads. Some researchers say stuck songs are like thoughts we're trying to suppress...(bolding mine)

Somebody tell me ♪ why I work ♪ so hard ♪ for you? It's easy, just surrender, submit, can't say no. This works extremely well with a spouse who has OCPD.

My Happiness Project

My sister listed she had read Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. I was intrigued by the write up:

"Gretchen Rubin had an epiphany one rainy afternoon in the unlikeliest of places: a city bus. 'The days are long, but the years are short,' she realized. 'Time is passing, and I'm not focusing enough on the things that really matter.' In that moment, she decided to dedicate a year to her happiness project.

In this lively and compelling account, Rubin chronicles her adventures during the twelve months she spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific research, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier. Among other things, she found that novelty and challenge are powerful sources of happiness; that money can help buy happiness, when spent wisely; that outer order contributes to inner calm; and that the very smallest of changes can make the biggest difference.

I downloaded to my Kindle and enjoyed it very much. I didn't want to make New Year's Resolutions that fizzled toward the end of the month. I want to involve the whole of 2014 in my own Happiness Project. 

A “happiness project” is an approach to changing your life. First is the preparation stage, when you identify what brings you joy, satisfaction, and engagement, and also what brings you guilt, anger, boredom, and remorse. Second is the making of resolutions, when you identify the concrete actions that will boost your happiness. Then comes the interesting part: keeping your resolutions.

I have decided January is labelled Walking. 

Walking. Yes, it does involve walking for exercise, but so much more. I watched a video by Drs. Oz and Roisen who are updating their YOU book with new information. They mention walking. They suggest getting up from your chair every 15 minutes. Even if you just walk around a table or to the next room. BRB.

Next, every two hours take a 10 minute walk. This I can do. It will require a kitchen timer to make me aware of time. Walking means improving my health. By taking in sunshine outdoors, adding more vegetables to my diet, taking supplements to aid methylation (which is the chemical cellular energy process). I don't want to held hostage by my chronic conditions. Will they go away? Not sure today, but I foresee where they will be reduced, soothed, calmed. 

On Gretchen Rubin's blog she has advice to keep those resolutions. 

"One thing I’ve learned from my happiness project: keeping resolutions (also known as making habits) is a key to happiness. If you want to make a positive change in your life, you need to figure out what to resolve, and how to keep that resolution.

My resolve? Get off my butt. Eat more beets. Swallow my pills. Easy peasy. Sounds like fun.

ps. I unfortunately brought the flu home from Ends of the Earth, Texas. So my resolve is delayed until I recover. I really, really hate vomiting.

No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

I watched a man die. It was quick and I hope painless, stress free, and with no fear. He took gaspy breaths as the machine registered falling O2 saturation numbers. I know it was a hard decision for my brother-in-law to make.  Truly, being connected to oxygen was only maintaining the body. The person had left the building a day or two earlier. He made sure his father was comfortable by having morphine injected before the nurse removed the oxygen. We four stood silent vigil until it was zero and the pulse in the neck was silent. All gone. Not a great memory for my life, but one of those milestones people have before their own deaths, saying goodbye to the previous generation.

"Two little monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said:
"No more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

The last monkey between me and the edge has gone. I learned some things watching this unfold over the last year.

• Be Kind and Loving. As Maya Angelou said, 'I've learned people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.' I want the last memories of me to be cherished forever by family and friends. Not regrets.  My father in law and husband were on speaking terms before the end, but it was uneasy. I will resolve issues so my passing is untroubled.
• Accept the Limitations of Age. No stubbornness. No denial.  I will accept the limitations age has brought me. I will accept assistance. The hard one would be if I had to move to receive that assistance. 
• Have Financial Affairs in Order. It was a shock to find a savings account designated to the girlfriend as beneficiary when FIL left debts behind. I will have my important papers in one location. My finances will not be secret from my children.
• Distribution of My Possessions. My own grandmother showed me the way. She was dying from cancer and set things aside for each of us when we came to visit. I will do the same. Distribute my things while I am still alive. FIL was so fearful to lose his things. Things he had no use for any longer. (For instance, a 4 wheeler that was not being used, in disrepair, which BIL offered to BUY at one time.) Accusing his own sons of attempting to steal them. Guess what FIL? Within 24 hours, it was done. All done. Touch, touch, touch. Everything with value collected and distributed. (BIL did get the 4 wheeler.) I cried the whole day. First, to see the state the home was in, what a mess, knowing it did not have to be that way. I would have kept it cleaner and cooked. Not the cookies and junk he was eating just prior to the last hospital stay. I was sad for him because he could not let go. All his things were flying out the door without his voice. Now comes the really hard part of cleaning the detritus left behind.   
• The Big One.  I will plan my own funeral. My dad showed me the way. He chose cremation with a twist. He had red and white striped flannel jamies and a Teddy bear to go with him. He prepared a necklace of cinnamon sticks for himself and the bear since they were to become toast, why not cinnamon toast? Classy. FIL will have a memorial next week. I will go because I love my husband's family, not so much for a stubborn old man.

Please check out these two websites for more information. Preparing for Dying and a worksheet for organizing personal data and end of life wishes. 

Large Meaty Lumps of Flesh

Oh man, oh man. I've known my blood glucose was not in the healthy range. I have a meter. Morning fasting levels range from 108 to 112 thereabout. I did a over-the-counter A1C (a bargain for a blood test at $40 US dollars) and had the result of 6.6. What is bothering me now is the tingling and numbness in my hands. I use my hands to do delicate stitch work for my Etsy business. Some days it seems impossible to thread a needle with the large meaty lumps of flesh that are located on the ends of my arms. 

"One of the first signs of diabetes is tingling in the hands and feet. High blood sugar levels as a result of insulin resistance can lead to nerve damage, causing the sensation of tingling or numbness in toes and fingers. Nerve damage connected with PreDiabetes may also cause burning pain in your arms, hands and feet. Early recognition of such diabetes symptoms may enable you to reverse the diabetes process.

Early recognition? Got that. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Take. Medication. Metformin and possible liver damage. I am a 2 percenter. You ever read those side effect notifications on boxes? There is a 2% chance some will experience...major side effects, death. Uh, *raises hand*. I am a sensitive. I have lost 15 pounds so far. I have some supplements enroute to help me with my methylation problem. I truly hope to overcome the chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and impaired glucose problem by getting my cells to function properly. 

At the end of the day all you need is hope and strength. Hope it will get better. Strength to hold on until it does.

The 100 Best Curse Words & Phrases of All Time!

Reflections

There are times I really, really hate life, my life. My part time job has now turned into a full time plus overtime job. I work nine hours plus, five days a week. The exhaustion is returning. The anger. The joyless existence I had when I worked at the hospital. I have no life again.  

I've been struggling to complete a new post for this blog, I have a sewing project on hold, I have housework piling up...My brain has gone numb.  It is not worth those big paychecks I get. 

Today I thought I escaped the mandatory overtime since I did not get the phone call to carry on. But NO!!!! they called me late and said to carry on.... So I don't get to snooze a bit more which my body is crying for. Rest, lady, rest. Seems like the only real rest I will get is in the grave. I can see my headstone now. Here lies a lady who made big paychecks but wasted her life.

You big cry baby. Pardon me a moment...Waaaah!! Cathartic.

Want Some Naked Pictures of Your Wife?

There’s an old joke about a shifty-looking guy asking a straight-laced man if he has any naked pictures of his wife. After the straight man repeatedly insists he doesn't have any naked pictures of his own wife, Shifty casually asks “You want some?”

My spouse is not speaking to me—again. Not unusual with an OCPDr. I broke a Rule. A rule he set just moments before. Regardless of how minor, the results of breaking a Rule set by an OCPDr, will be unpleasant. They could be: scorn, name-calling, tantrums, sulking, slamming (of doors, cupboards, etc.), rolled eyes, sounds of disgust, withholding of sex or affection, the silent treatment, stomping...I need outside help for this. I posted to a chat room for persons involved with OCPDrs.

"I have tried a search of former threads and not found what I was looking for. Perhaps I don't have the correct words? So I am asking directly. When my DH is home, as I did find in the threads, there is no initiation of sex. It all comes from me. In contrast, when he is away from home, he can't get enough. When we were moving to Ends of the Earth, Texas to care for his father, there was an endless supply. Sometimes it was a straight walk back to the bedroom when I would arrive for visits.

Here is my dilemma today. He is away from home in truck driving school (will be gone a lot in the future). He has once again become very sexual in his texts and phone calls (ick, because it is not our norm). He is demanding naked pictures of me as proof of my love. This topic has come up before and I have said 'NO'. Pictures like these never end up in a good place. How many actresses have regretted nude shots? How many celebrities have had their private pictorial moments exposed, or sold, once an relationship is over? It is not a tool I wish to hand to an emotional wreck. Unfortunately, I caved. Sent one. Hell's floodgates opened! Now he demanded more shots. Then it grew to a picture-a-day. That school is 8 weeks long! What would be next? Scripted shots with plastic pickles? Video?

It was my fault. I should of held to the boundary. You get lax during the calm periods. My coping style is avoidance. I hate confrontation. I am learning to speak up. I knew I had to re-establish the boundary. So I put my foot down and of course, received venom in return. Implied threat he will not be coming home (ha, that is sooo scary, me alone, /sarcasm), I am a bad wife for 'not pleasing him' and expressed understanding in how my ex lost interest in me.

Why this change? Anxiety? He fears loss of control due to the distance?

I wait their replies.