The 100 Best Curse Words & Phrases of All Time!

Reflections

There are times I really, really hate life, my life. My part time job has now turned into a full time plus overtime job. I work nine hours plus, five days a week. The exhaustion is returning. The anger. The joyless existence I had when I worked at the hospital. I have no life again.  

I've been struggling to complete a new post for this blog, I have a sewing project on hold, I have housework piling up...My brain has gone numb.  It is not worth those big paychecks I get. 

Today I thought I escaped the mandatory overtime since I did not get the phone call to carry on. But NO!!!! they called me late and said to carry on.... So I don't get to snooze a bit more which my body is crying for. Rest, lady, rest. Seems like the only real rest I will get is in the grave. I can see my headstone now. Here lies a lady who made big paychecks but wasted her life.

You big cry baby. Pardon me a moment...Waaaah!! Cathartic.

Want Some Naked Pictures of Your Wife?

There’s an old joke about a shifty-looking guy asking a straight-laced man if he has any naked pictures of his wife. After the straight man repeatedly insists he doesn't have any naked pictures of his own wife, Shifty casually asks “You want some?”

My spouse is not speaking to me—again. Not unusual with an OCPDr. I broke a Rule. A rule he set just moments before. Regardless of how minor, the results of breaking a Rule set by an OCPDr, will be unpleasant. They could be: scorn, name-calling, tantrums, sulking, slamming (of doors, cupboards, etc.), rolled eyes, sounds of disgust, withholding of sex or affection, the silent treatment, stomping...I need outside help for this. I posted to a chat room for persons involved with OCPDrs.

"I have tried a search of former threads and not found what I was looking for. Perhaps I don't have the correct words? So I am asking directly. When my DH is home, as I did find in the threads, there is no initiation of sex. It all comes from me. In contrast, when he is away from home, he can't get enough. When we were moving to Ends of the Earth, Texas to care for his father, there was an endless supply. Sometimes it was a straight walk back to the bedroom when I would arrive for visits.

Here is my dilemma today. He is away from home in truck driving school (will be gone a lot in the future). He has once again become very sexual in his texts and phone calls (ick, because it is not our norm). He is demanding naked pictures of me as proof of my love. This topic has come up before and I have said 'NO'. Pictures like these never end up in a good place. How many actresses have regretted nude shots? How many celebrities have had their private pictorial moments exposed, or sold, once an relationship is over? It is not a tool I wish to hand to an emotional wreck. Unfortunately, I caved. Sent one. Hell's floodgates opened! Now he demanded more shots. Then it grew to a picture-a-day. That school is 8 weeks long! What would be next? Scripted shots with plastic pickles? Video?

It was my fault. I should of held to the boundary. You get lax during the calm periods. My coping style is avoidance. I hate confrontation. I am learning to speak up. I knew I had to re-establish the boundary. So I put my foot down and of course, received venom in return. Implied threat he will not be coming home (ha, that is sooo scary, me alone, /sarcasm), I am a bad wife for 'not pleasing him' and expressed understanding in how my ex lost interest in me.

Why this change? Anxiety? He fears loss of control due to the distance?

I wait their replies. 

Reflections

My spouse and I are driving to the pharmacy late at night. We pass a house with a red porch light. Course the inevitable association of red light districts is mentioned by him.

I inquired if he visited the red light district in the one European country he visited long before we were married.Did he do a 'bit of window shopping'. He replies in the positive.

Silence. Driving. 

Should I ask the next question? Sure, why not? I inquired did you do a 'bit of purchasing'? He declined to answer as it was 'none of my business'. 

I still learned things. You can't answer the 'if' part of the equation and decline the 'then'. If you want example sentences using if-then, then I'll give you a few.

• If you don't behave, then you'll be grounded.
• If you don't have the keys for the car, then it will be difficult to start the vehicle.
• If the batteries are dead, then the TV remote won't work.
• If you skydive without a parachute, then you'll have a really bad day.
• If you run into a brick wall, then a visit to the hospital will probably follow.
• If you window shopped, then you probably bought.

Take My Father-In-Law Please

Ends of the Earth Tx is firmly in my rear view window. A restraining order puts the kibosh to many a plan. His father obtained a restraining order for ‘elder abuse’. On what basis? I have no idea. I am peaceful and content now and healing from the wounds that we were put through. Being the INTJ I am, I needed intellectual thought to make sense of the emotions. Using my secret power, Googling ability, I searched for any information on aging OCPD personalities, I came across Elder Rage,Or Take My Father Please! Howto Survive Caring for Aging Parents by Jacqueline Marcell. Ms. Marcell never uses the term OCPD in her book, but so much of the behavior of her father fit my situation. The truest quote from the book, 

"Actually, we see this kind of thing all the time when dominating elderly men rebel as they lose their control.’  

Yes, my FIL attempted to keep control with smooth charm, lies, manipulation and bad temper.

I have a framed card of an unattractive old woman on a park bench with a quote from May L. Becker. 

"We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.

It drives home the reality that our life-long character traits just follow us right into old age—often getting intensified and distorted, particularly with the onset of dementia. His father hated change and he was beyond stubborn. It was against all odds to ever win an argument with him. No one ever challenged his father and came out a winner.

And I was dealing with two controlling people who are technically mentally ill, who thrive on argument, leaving reason and logic behind for the sake of debate, who do not respond at all well to criticism or perceived affronts. Have I questioned my sanity in the presence of those two? Yes, but I also realized I was the only sane person in the house. I'm just glad it is over.

(Update: At first my husband stated he would not take any calls from his father. He has softened a bit and the two occasionally talk now. My husband has stated he will not assist his father in any way in the future, no matter his need. As of today, my FIL has had four additional hospitalizations due to his deteriorating health. He has not asked for assistance or even desires that we be informed. He refuses to slow down. The only way this will end is a visit from Joe Black.)