There is a monster who lives in a corner of my home. He is big, brutal and ugly; waiting for the chance to pounce. My husband allows this creature to live there. He says if we just ignore the thing nothing bad will happen. It is when the monster is acknowledged then it rises up and overwhelms. Our happy life together can go on, but I am not so easily lulled into security. I see the beast creeping closer, hear the gnashing of sharp teeth and the glint of claws. It is not content to remain in the shadowy corner. It is the nature of monsters to attack.
Our current monster is taxes. We owe the state several thousand. I had a plan that would allow us to pay this year's tax. It would require sacrifices, but was entirely doable. He did not want to discuss it. So here we are, at the end of the year, with no money saved. I was not going to be the only one making the sacrifice or setting aside funds from my paycheck to cover his tax problems. It is his pet monster. Dr. Nicholas Cristenfeld, from University of California, San Diego, conducted a study on dog owners. I found this quote from the article most revealing,
Research indicated that when people pick a dog, they look for one that, at some level, bears some resemblance to them.
He treats the monster as a pet because it resembles him.This is the way my husband deals with all problems in our marriage. If you acknowledge the situation, it will rise up to bite you. Ignore it and all is well. Bring up a topic for discussion and the teeth and claws come out. He prefers living in the shadows of avoidance. It is useful in the short run, but avoidance is an ineffective coping strategy. Disagreements arise in marriage, but withdrawing and holding in feelings or attacking with verbal abuse does not lead to marital harmony. That 800 pound monster takes up a lot of room.
How come my coworkers can't flush the microwave? Arggghh, unused minutes or seconds left behind clogging up the machine. I need this sign.
Relationships are not about keeping score. Recently, I've come to realize I am the one in this marriage who is loved less. It hurts to know whatever example I have set, he will never step up and match. It doesn't feel good and it leads me to thinking 'I deserve better'. Wouldn't you agree that similar feelings of love and need in relationships are pretty important to the health of a relationship? If one person in a relationship is feeling less wanted or less loved, it would have some kind of impact on the relationship as a whole. Does he know he loves me less?
I gave up coffee this weekend. Not the usual withdrawals for me. No sir. Not one caffeine headache in sight. Instead, I was exhausted. I took a four hour nap on Saturday and then slept Sunday away. Since adrenal fatigue is a chronic problem with me, I thought the detox would strengthen them.
When you consume caffeine, the drug begins its effects by initiating uncontrolled neuron firing in your brain, according to Stephen Cherniske in his book, Caffeine Blues. This excess neuron activity triggers your pituitary gland to secrete a hormone that tells your adrenal glands to produce adrenaline. I don't handle stress well and here I was stressing myself--daily! Granted it was only two cups of coffee a day and perhaps an occasional soda within the month, but it was enough. Bye bye caffeine. Wait and see, wait and see.
Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
I was unable to connect to our new internet modem today. Unfortunately, I asked my husband for help. He launched right into the diagnostics, importing set up programs via memory stick, and berating me for not running scan programs. All I suggested was unplugging the power at the modem to reset it.
From first day the new modem arrived, it acted like a best girlfriend in kindergarten demanding exclusivity. It was either his computer or mine that could play with the internet. It is a language problem. I knew that, but left this morning without being able to access Facebook or my Google news since he was enraptured in a testosterone he-man Tarzan haze. No news yet on any success.
