Reflections

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am not moving away, but I am moving forward. Still processing why I decided what I did. I know it feels right. I should get it in words soon.

Reflections

He is upping the behavior, but I expected that. He keeps shutting the bedroom door so I don't get any heat. Every time I open it, he closes it. If I am going to be cold, might as well go to the storeroom and start sorting, disposing, donating and packing.

OMG

I am trying not to burn bridges while simultaneously holding this gas can and match. It would be soooo eaassssy not to filter my thoughts since I am leaving. For example, yesterday it was our monthly staff meeting. I work in a department of women. If you have experience with this, then you know how problematic the high school situations arise with the surfeit of estrogen. 

I read a book on this psychology called, In the Company of Women. The authors begin by defining and describing how and why women behave as they do.  After readers begin to identify interactions as they relate to relationships, power, and self-esteem and learn how to use the power dead-even rule, they can begin to understand the intricacies of working with women on a professional level. According to the authors,

"It seemed to us that women consistently failed to support other women and even actively undermined their authority and credibility.

They continue,

"...when women work together, they often experience conflict with one another--a phenomenon that is referred to most often by men as a 'catfight'.

Remember the coworker I had to assist and not eat lunch if needed? It is not just me. I created a schedule of who was 'on call' to help for the next quarter. We all have to leave our assigned work and calls and be there to play 'team' for an entire week. She gets her work completed on time and the assigned have to scramble to catch up. Plus, I had to endure an hour with the Director correcting my 'erroneous' thinking because I made a remark about this coworker's work habits within earshot. Here comes some irony. (I so love it!)

Last night at the meeting, right at the end, when we all wanted to leave, she decides to throw a hissy fit over some paper left on her desk. A file that was handed to her and she did not think belonged to her and she should not have to complete it. She backed the one who left it into a corner. All this done in front of the Director who emphasized 'team' for the one who will not play team. Me-ooow. Pffssttt. Ro-awrrrr.

OMG, I so want to confront both of them. *Sound of a match striking.*

Thunderstruck

I owned a dog once who hated storms. When the large clouds roll in, and even before the first crash of thunder hit, this dog would panic, running in search of a safe place to hide. He would claw his way into my lap, pant, and drool puddles. Ick. That’s me right now. I’m scared, scrambling for a safe place. Starting life over again is scary. I want to wake up and this be a bad dream. I came across this tidbit.

Change is Good – There are individuals who despise change. Look closely and you will see these are the same people who get left behind in their careers, in their personal lives and tend to suffer more than those who are more adaptable. When you are willing to change you open yourself up to receive and experience new things. It is these things that provide you with the nuggets of wisdom you’ve been looking for that makes a difference in your life. You can stand still and fight change all you want but it’s a losing battle!

There is my silver lining spin. I want change. I am adaptable...Wait. Just. A. Freaking. Minute. What new age philosophy dribble is that? I don't want this change. I want a happy marriage. I want to rage, rant, cry, vomit, smack a Divasaurus, all at the same time. It is so not fair. *Kicking and screaming* Not fair. He has not spoke to me since the gauntlet hit the ground. I constantly question myself. Should I cave? Should I attempt a reconciliation? Am I being a bad wife? Could I just pretend this never happened? Close your eyes, click your heels and whisper this a million times--it is about control. He had it and you were. He will not change. What to do? 

 ♫ No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe ♫

Sam Baldwin, Sleepless in Seattle, 'Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

It was great and perfect for a while. Then it wasn't for a long time. Time for grief.

We Enter Relationships as a Somebody and Leave Them as a Nobody

I am so tired. Even my fingers are yawning. It happens whenever I have a serious emotional experience. Yesterday, I asked my husband to stop with his angry outbursts or I would have to leave him. He agreed. So I am making arrangements to move. Putting in two weeks notice, cut off dates for utilities, cancelling payments for travel money, copying medical records, getting my doctor to give me a year's refill on my meds, filling in change of address cards, researching self move vehicles for best price, going through my possessions, getting boxes, telling friends and family, opening new checking acct in my name, mapquesting the trip, and things I have not thought of yet.

It is sad. He so quickly told me to get out. Unfriended me on Facebook within minutes. Removed our anniversary on the calendar. Rather than eat the meal I prepared, he tossed it in the sink with the dishes I was washing. I did not sleep well. He frightens me.

A Taste For Irony...

...has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. --Jessamyn West

What is the difference between hypocrisy and irony? The hypocritical speaker professes beliefs, feelings or virtues that he does not hold. The hearer is not intended to understand the contradiction. In irony, the speaker intends others to know what she means is different or opposite from what is said. It is used as a means of contrast. Pay attention, pop quiz follows. Ogden Nash wrote, 

"I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance. 

I work a stressful job. Many days I drag myself home. Do I hit the front door in a good mood? Not always. It takes awhile to make the ‘switch’. I want comfy clothes, food and the internet, in that order. Truly, I know better than to share my day with my spouse. Truly. He has made it very clear my life is of no interest to him unless a news crew is involved. 

I created a nuisance when I shared the latest stress. My supervisor says it is my new job to help a coworker, if she needs it, during my lunchtime and during the time she goes to lunch. I don’t get to eat, but she does. So not fair. He was ugly. Since I left before his rant was complete he left this note near the coffee pot.

You need to learn, that when you walk in that front door, it’s time to put FAMILY FIRST!!! Your bullshit dramas about work, and ‘not getting to eat’ don’t mean a [DELETED] thing next to that!!! You know how many people have to do without for more than a whole day? And yet, they still find happiness AT HOME!!! STOP BEING A SELFISH TWIT!!!! Church is supposed to teach you that!!!! You sure you’re in the ‘right one?

In case I missed the note, I had a text waiting on my phone. 

Jesus fed a multitude with ONE LOAF. I wonder how long they had to wait for what little THEY got.

The next day, I went to the gym before heading home. It gives me a chance to delay switch. Plus watching Buddy on Cake Boss while walking on the treadmill amuses me. On the way home, I received this text, 

So I guess, given your stubbornness, I am feeding myself now?

Were you paying attention? Here is the pop quiz. (A) I was wrong to be upset over being denied lunch. (B) I was wrong because he shouldn’t have to wait to eat. (C) Both A and B.  Irony. It's what's for lunch.


P.S. I have learned to leave the building when it is my lunchtime. If they can't find me, I get to eat.

I'm So Gonna Buy...

I'm so gonna buy Lucy Van Pelt shoes this payday.

Pet Peeve Rant: The Follow Up

I have a follow up to my previous rant. Yesterday, three coworkers were out sick. No minutes were left on the microwave that day. Ha. Not so today. After investigation, I discover the one who I previously caught is most likely the culprit today. Argghhh. Divasauras strikes again. It is that sense of entitlement. Someone else can flush my microwave.

Workplace Zoo

I should get this made as a plaque for her cubicle.

   

• Divasaurus (Dinosaur Spectabalisopsis): A hot-blooded animal with a backbone that is highly emotional, charming, energetic, manipulative, seductive, impulsive, erratic, and demanding. Found in all workplaces. 
• Appearance. Sexually seductive in appearance or behavior. Spends hours preening and primping. Use of bright colors as a means of defense. Often the more vibrant and colorful the animal, the more poisonous it may be. 
• Care and Feeding. High maintenance. Thrives on constant reassurance, approval, or praise to become warm and active. May shrivel and die if not the center of attention. Low tolerance for the frustration of delayed gratification. 
• Beware the Bite. Usually has protected status with the boss. Creates more than her share of conflicts. When pushed, there could be poison. Watch your back, your front, your sides, and any other part of your anatomy you value.

Who Says I'm Crabby?

We've all seen a cop drama TV show in which a criminal suspect is interrogated while police watch from behind a mirror. That mirror consists of a light side and a dark side with one side allowing bright light while the opposite side allows faint light through. People on the brightly lit side see their own reflection—it looks like a normal mirror. People on the dark side see through it—it looks like a transparent window. 

That’s the advantage of a dark side. Carl Jung taught we all have a face that looks back from the dark side of the glass. He called it the shadow. Those parts of our personality we’re not proud of, choose to deny, or hide away. My husband calls me Lucy Van Pelt. It is not a nickname bestowed with affection. Charles Shultz, the creator of Peanuts, said,

"Lucy comes from that part of me that’s capable of saying mean and sarcastic things, which is not a good trait to have, so Lucy gives me a good outlet.

Lucy was his shadow. Even though my spouse uses this nickname in ridicule, was there something I could learn? In Bringing Your Soul to Work: An Everyday Practice, it offers an exercise to find the hidden treasures in our shadow.

"One of the indirect ways we can approach our shadow is to examine someone we admire and why we admire them, whether real people or fictional characters. And sometimes what we learn can be surprising.

I do admire Lucy. She goes through life on her own terms. I want that life. I can use her bossiness to become my own life coach. Crabby? You betcha. She has a voice and speaks up, no one takes advantage of her. No way would she settle for being labeled. Being a fussbudget keeps me thinking about unfortunate things that might happen. As a master of disaster management, I am resilient, prepared, and fearless. Bad tempered and mean? Sure. I will fight in the name of respect, truth and fairness. Accepting my imperfections, weaknesses, and shortcomings helps me become more humble and genuine. I am a positive force. I am reminded that people who live behind glass mirrors should not throw stones of criticism at other people. Perhaps my spouse could learn something from Nelson Muntz? Haw haw.