Reflections

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am not moving away, but I am moving forward. Still processing why I decided what I did. I know it feels right. I should get it in words soon.

Reflections

He is upping the behavior, but I expected that. He keeps shutting the bedroom door so I don't get any heat. Every time I open it, he closes it. If I am going to be cold, might as well go to the storeroom and start sorting, disposing, donating and packing.

OMG

I am trying not to burn bridges while simultaneously holding this gas can and match. It would be soooo eaassssy not to filter my thoughts since I am leaving. For example, yesterday it was our monthly staff meeting. I work in a department of women. If you have experience with this, then you know how problematic the high school situations arise with the surfeit of estrogen. 

I read a book on this psychology called, In the Company of Women. The authors begin by defining and describing how and why women behave as they do.  After readers begin to identify interactions as they relate to relationships, power, and self-esteem and learn how to use the power dead-even rule, they can begin to understand the intricacies of working with women on a professional level. According to the authors,

"It seemed to us that women consistently failed to support other women and even actively undermined their authority and credibility.

They continue,

"...when women work together, they often experience conflict with one another--a phenomenon that is referred to most often by men as a 'catfight'.

Remember the coworker I had to assist and not eat lunch if needed? It is not just me. I created a schedule of who was 'on call' to help for the next quarter. We all have to leave our assigned work and calls and be there to play 'team' for an entire week. She gets her work completed on time and the assigned have to scramble to catch up. Plus, I had to endure an hour with the Director correcting my 'erroneous' thinking because I made a remark about this coworker's work habits within earshot. Here comes some irony. (I so love it!)

Last night at the meeting, right at the end, when we all wanted to leave, she decides to throw a hissy fit over some paper left on her desk. A file that was handed to her and she did not think belonged to her and she should not have to complete it. She backed the one who left it into a corner. All this done in front of the Director who emphasized 'team' for the one who will not play team. Me-ooow. Pffssttt. Ro-awrrrr.

OMG, I so want to confront both of them. *Sound of a match striking.*

Thunderstruck

I owned a dog once who hated storms. When the large clouds roll in, and even before the first crash of thunder hit, this dog would panic, running in search of a safe place to hide. He would claw his way into my lap, pant, and drool puddles. Ick. That’s me right now. I’m scared, scrambling for a safe place. Starting life over again is scary. I want to wake up and this be a bad dream. I came across this tidbit.

Change is Good – There are individuals who despise change. Look closely and you will see these are the same people who get left behind in their careers, in their personal lives and tend to suffer more than those who are more adaptable. When you are willing to change you open yourself up to receive and experience new things. It is these things that provide you with the nuggets of wisdom you’ve been looking for that makes a difference in your life. You can stand still and fight change all you want but it’s a losing battle!

There is my silver lining spin. I want change. I am adaptable...Wait. Just. A. Freaking. Minute. What new age philosophy dribble is that? I don't want this change. I want a happy marriage. I want to rage, rant, cry, vomit, smack a Divasaurus, all at the same time. It is so not fair. *Kicking and screaming* Not fair. He has not spoke to me since the gauntlet hit the ground. I constantly question myself. Should I cave? Should I attempt a reconciliation? Am I being a bad wife? Could I just pretend this never happened? Close your eyes, click your heels and whisper this a million times--it is about control. He had it and you were. He will not change. What to do? 

 ♫ No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe ♫

Sam Baldwin, Sleepless in Seattle, 'Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

It was great and perfect for a while. Then it wasn't for a long time. Time for grief.

We Enter Relationships as a Somebody and Leave Them as a Nobody

I am so tired. Even my fingers are yawning. It happens whenever I have a serious emotional experience. Yesterday, I asked my husband to stop with his angry outbursts or I would have to leave him. He agreed. So I am making arrangements to move. Putting in two weeks notice, cut off dates for utilities, cancelling payments for travel money, copying medical records, getting my doctor to give me a year's refill on my meds, filling in change of address cards, researching self move vehicles for best price, going through my possessions, getting boxes, telling friends and family, opening new checking acct in my name, mapquesting the trip, and things I have not thought of yet.

It is sad. He so quickly told me to get out. Unfriended me on Facebook within minutes. Removed our anniversary on the calendar. Rather than eat the meal I prepared, he tossed it in the sink with the dishes I was washing. I did not sleep well. He frightens me.

A Taste For Irony...

...has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. --Jessamyn West

What is the difference between hypocrisy and irony? The hypocritical speaker professes beliefs, feelings or virtues that he does not hold. The hearer is not intended to understand the contradiction. In irony, the speaker intends others to know what she means is different or opposite from what is said. It is used as a means of contrast. Pay attention, pop quiz follows. Ogden Nash wrote, 

"I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance. 

I work a stressful job. Many days I drag myself home. Do I hit the front door in a good mood? Not always. It takes awhile to make the ‘switch’. I want comfy clothes, food and the internet, in that order. Truly, I know better than to share my day with my spouse. Truly. He has made it very clear my life is of no interest to him unless a news crew is involved. 

I created a nuisance when I shared the latest stress. My supervisor says it is my new job to help a coworker, if she needs it, during my lunchtime and during the time she goes to lunch. I don’t get to eat, but she does. So not fair. He was ugly. Since I left before his rant was complete he left this note near the coffee pot.

You need to learn, that when you walk in that front door, it’s time to put FAMILY FIRST!!! Your bullshit dramas about work, and ‘not getting to eat’ don’t mean a [DELETED] thing next to that!!! You know how many people have to do without for more than a whole day? And yet, they still find happiness AT HOME!!! STOP BEING A SELFISH TWIT!!!! Church is supposed to teach you that!!!! You sure you’re in the ‘right one?

In case I missed the note, I had a text waiting on my phone. 

Jesus fed a multitude with ONE LOAF. I wonder how long they had to wait for what little THEY got.

The next day, I went to the gym before heading home. It gives me a chance to delay switch. Plus watching Buddy on Cake Boss while walking on the treadmill amuses me. On the way home, I received this text, 

So I guess, given your stubbornness, I am feeding myself now?

Were you paying attention? Here is the pop quiz. (A) I was wrong to be upset over being denied lunch. (B) I was wrong because he shouldn’t have to wait to eat. (C) Both A and B.  Irony. It's what's for lunch.


P.S. I have learned to leave the building when it is my lunchtime. If they can't find me, I get to eat.

I'm So Gonna Buy...

I'm so gonna buy Lucy Van Pelt shoes this payday.

Pet Peeve Rant: The Follow Up

I have a follow up to my previous rant. Yesterday, three coworkers were out sick. No minutes were left on the microwave that day. Ha. Not so today. After investigation, I discover the one who I previously caught is most likely the culprit today. Argghhh. Divasauras strikes again. It is that sense of entitlement. Someone else can flush my microwave.

Workplace Zoo

I should get this made as a plaque for her cubicle.

   

• Divasaurus (Dinosaur Spectabalisopsis): A hot-blooded animal with a backbone that is highly emotional, charming, energetic, manipulative, seductive, impulsive, erratic, and demanding. Found in all workplaces. 
• Appearance. Sexually seductive in appearance or behavior. Spends hours preening and primping. Use of bright colors as a means of defense. Often the more vibrant and colorful the animal, the more poisonous it may be. 
• Care and Feeding. High maintenance. Thrives on constant reassurance, approval, or praise to become warm and active. May shrivel and die if not the center of attention. Low tolerance for the frustration of delayed gratification. 
• Beware the Bite. Usually has protected status with the boss. Creates more than her share of conflicts. When pushed, there could be poison. Watch your back, your front, your sides, and any other part of your anatomy you value.

Who Says I'm Crabby?

We've all seen a cop drama TV show in which a criminal suspect is interrogated while police watch from behind a mirror. That mirror consists of a light side and a dark side with one side allowing bright light while the opposite side allows faint light through. People on the brightly lit side see their own reflection—it looks like a normal mirror. People on the dark side see through it—it looks like a transparent window. 

That’s the advantage of a dark side. Carl Jung taught we all have a face that looks back from the dark side of the glass. He called it the shadow. Those parts of our personality we’re not proud of, choose to deny, or hide away. My husband calls me Lucy Van Pelt. It is not a nickname bestowed with affection. Charles Shultz, the creator of Peanuts, said,

"Lucy comes from that part of me that’s capable of saying mean and sarcastic things, which is not a good trait to have, so Lucy gives me a good outlet.

Lucy was his shadow. Even though my spouse uses this nickname in ridicule, was there something I could learn? In Bringing Your Soul to Work: An Everyday Practice, it offers an exercise to find the hidden treasures in our shadow.

"One of the indirect ways we can approach our shadow is to examine someone we admire and why we admire them, whether real people or fictional characters. And sometimes what we learn can be surprising.

I do admire Lucy. She goes through life on her own terms. I want that life. I can use her bossiness to become my own life coach. Crabby? You betcha. She has a voice and speaks up, no one takes advantage of her. No way would she settle for being labeled. Being a fussbudget keeps me thinking about unfortunate things that might happen. As a master of disaster management, I am resilient, prepared, and fearless. Bad tempered and mean? Sure. I will fight in the name of respect, truth and fairness. Accepting my imperfections, weaknesses, and shortcomings helps me become more humble and genuine. I am a positive force. I am reminded that people who live behind glass mirrors should not throw stones of criticism at other people. Perhaps my spouse could learn something from Nelson Muntz? Haw haw.

Note to Self

DRY = Don't Repeat Yourself. It's a software engineering principle* and a reminder. Just because he is watching a movie my son loved as a child does not mean I can mention it to him again. I already told him that. Same story over and over. I was enjoying a happy memory and wanted to share the laughter of that day. Please don't in the future.

*Thank you Mark Snead for the info on the software principle. It is a variation of the principle I know as Only Handle It Once.

Note to Self

Remember to ask, 'I am going to [insert location]. Want to come with me?' Or else be prepared to wait for whenever he gets around to deciding it's time to leave. Frustration, it's what's for dinner.

Reflections

Mom always said if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.  And people wonder why I am so quiet!

Role the Window Down

Aristotle, the ancient Greek philosopher claimed that a good tragic play must arouse pity from the audience, adding that the best way to accomplish this was through the usage of dramatic irony. I present the following three act play for your enjoyment.
 
Characters [Husband and Wife]
Act One [Scene: Parking lot of national pharmaceutical chain. Husband and wife stand next to vehicle. Another vehicle approaches. Driver is yelling.]
Unknown driver: (Muffled name), you are such a slut!
[Vehicle exits scene. Husband and wife share smile. Enter their vehicle and drive off. Wife rolls down window.]
Husband: "You rolled down the window to hear him yell something else.
Wife: (Gasps) "I did not. I wanted some air. It is stuffy in here.
Husband: "Yay, right. You love gossip. How come you can never own up to your actions?
Wife: (Using logic) "How could I hear him? He drove to the other side of the building before we left and is long gone.
Husband: "Uh huh, I know you so well, always denying things to look innocent. I’ve been through that before.
[Wife sits stunned. Husband is joyous. They travel to their destination. End of Act One.]

Act Two [Scene: Home of Husband’s son and family. RockStar game is being played. Wife played drums. Husband finished singing and scoring high. Husband sings professionally.]
Son: (Hands microphone to Wife) "You can sing this song.
Wife: "No. I don’t want to.
Husband: (Mocking) "What about all that money you spent on singing lessons?
Wife: "I had a few and haven’t practiced at all. I won’t sing with you in the room.
Son: "Come on. You can choose another song if you want.
[After several attempts to coerce Wife into singing, Husband abruptly leaves home and enters vehicle. Wife makes apologies and says goodbye. End of Act Two]

Act Three. [Tense ride home. Wife turns off radio.]
Wife: (Timid) "I won’t sing around you because you have made negative comments about my singing in the past.
Husband: "You ruined the family fun we were having by not participating.
Wife: "I played the drums. I am not going to take a hit to my self-esteem. That was not right to just walk out and not say goodbye to your son.
Husband: (Scoffs) "So now your going to lecture me on that? It was like when we’d go to Karaoke night. There were not so good singers. After they heard me, they gave up and went home rather then sing again. You couldn’t compete against me. That is the real reason you did not want to sing. Again, not taking responsibility for your actions and playing innocent. I know you so well. Better than you will ever know me.
Wife: (Gasping like a fish. Silence the rest of the way home) [End of play]

Soren Kierkegaard said, ‘Irony is a disciplinarian feared only by those who do not know it, but cherished by those who do’. My husband is a bully. According to David Hawkins in his book Dealing with the Crazymakers in Your Life, '(Aggressors)…are expert at throwing out accusations, shifting the blame, and attacking others… They can’t look honestly at their condition. Most lack the ability to be aware of, and sensitive to their deception. It’s called denial.’ Come, Dear Readers, cherish the irony. The man who ‘knows me so well’ rejects reality. Let me roll down the window to let the fresh air in.

Humor Raisin

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

"A stick.

Humor. Just another tasty ingredient in Hermit Cookies.

Uh huh, That's Right The Sequel

As I wrote in an earlier entry, from the first day the new modem arrived, it had problems with connectivity. My spouse solved his problem by mainlining the internet via ethernet needle. I had to reboot the modem everyday. His resentment of the momentary withdrawal to his chronic usage was growing. One day, he held off my reboot while he leveled up on a game. I went to bed before I got to check my Facebook. I had had enough. It was time for some new house rules. Since he works part time, I thought he would be willing to call the provider and work it out. Temper. Temper. He refused and told me it was my computer and my problem. Ok, I will own that one. As I was dialing, he suggests quite firmly on what I am to do, say and allow the techogeek to do while assisting me. Hmmm...what to do? What would the Supernanny do?

Staying calm and in control while your child learns his boundaries is key, and it helps to be consistent in the way you discipline him. The naughty mat is used on the show when you're out and about and your child's behavior becomes unreasonable...

 Staying calm, I asked him if he wanted to make this call? Uh huh, that's right, he did not, so perhaps he would like to remain quiet? Placed right firmly on the naughty cushion he was. Now I need to see how Jo deals with bad language.

Butterfly Effect

I hold in my hand these envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They've been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar since noon today on Funk and Wagnall’s porch.--Ed McMahon

Who could predict a mayonnaise jar would be at the center of so much controversy? On an ordinary workday and I went to brew a cup of liquid motivation. My spouse asked a question delivered with embedded shards of glass and wrapped in barbed wire. Did I know where his mayonnaise jar was? A surge of adrenaline burns away the last of sleep. We live in a tiny apartment and he is an unapologetic collector. I am smothered by useless things, duplicate things, future things, broken things, things collected to appease the fear, more and more objects sucking the oxygen from the very space which surrounds me. Periodically, I am compelled to thin the brush. I quickly wash a mayonnaise jar from the refrigerator. He is not appeased. I escape to the job, but wonder does the flap over a mayonnaise jar in New Mexico set off a typhoon in Tokyo?

Monster Mash

There is a monster who lives in a corner of my home. He is big, brutal and ugly; waiting for the chance to pounce. My husband allows this creature to live there. He says if we just ignore the thing nothing bad will happen. It is when the monster is acknowledged then it rises up and overwhelms. Our happy life together can go on, but I am not so easily lulled into security. I see the beast creeping closer, hear the gnashing of sharp teeth and the glint of claws. It is not content to remain in the shadowy corner. It is the nature of monsters to attack.

Our current monster is taxes. We owe the state several thousand. I had a plan that would allow us to pay this year's tax. It would require sacrifices, but was entirely doable. He did not want to discuss it. So here we are, at the end of the year, with no money saved. I was not going to be the only one making the sacrifice or setting aside funds from my paycheck to cover his tax problems. It is his pet monster. Dr. Nicholas Cristenfeld, from University of California, San Diego, conducted a study on dog owners. I found this quote from the article most revealing,

Research indicated that when people pick a dog, they look for one that, at some level, bears some resemblance to them. 

He treats the monster as a pet because it resembles him.This is the way my husband deals with all problems in our marriage. If you acknowledge the situation, it will rise up to bite you. Ignore it and all is well.  Bring up a topic for discussion and the teeth and claws come out. He prefers living in the shadows of avoidance. It is useful in the short run, but avoidance is an ineffective coping strategy. Disagreements arise in marriage, but withdrawing and holding in feelings or attacking with verbal abuse does not lead to marital harmony. That 800 pound monster takes up a lot of room.

Pet Peeve Rant

How come my coworkers can't flush the microwave? Arggghh, unused minutes or seconds left behind clogging up the machine. I need this sign.

You can observe a lot just by watching.--Yogi Berra

Relationships are not about keeping score. Recently, I've come to realize I am the one in this marriage who is loved less. It hurts to know whatever example I have set, he will never step up and match. It doesn't feel good and it leads me to thinking 'I deserve better'. Wouldn't you agree that similar feelings of love and need in relationships are pretty important to the health of a relationship? If one person in a relationship is feeling less wanted or less loved, it would have some kind of impact on the relationship as a whole. Does he know he loves me less?

Caffeine Deprivation

I gave up coffee this weekend. Not the usual withdrawals for me. No sir. Not one caffeine headache in sight. Instead, I was exhausted. I took a four hour nap on Saturday and then slept Sunday away. Since adrenal fatigue is a chronic problem with me, I thought the detox would strengthen them. 

When you consume caffeine, the drug begins its effects by initiating uncontrolled neuron firing in your brain, according to Stephen Cherniske in his book, Caffeine Blues. This excess neuron activity triggers your pituitary gland to secrete a hormone that tells your adrenal glands to produce adrenaline. I don't handle stress well and here I was stressing myself--daily! Granted it was only two cups of coffee a day and perhaps an occasional soda within the month, but it was enough. Bye bye caffeine. Wait and see, wait and see.

Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.

Uh Huh, That's Right

I was unable to connect to our new internet modem today. Unfortunately, I asked my husband for help. He launched right into the diagnostics, importing set up programs via memory stick, and berating me for not running scan programs. All I suggested was unplugging the power at the modem to reset it. 

From first day the new modem arrived, it acted like a best girlfriend in kindergarten demanding exclusivity. It was either his computer or mine that could play with the internet. It is a language problem. I knew that, but left this morning without being able to access Facebook or my Google news since he was enraptured in a testosterone he-man Tarzan haze. No news yet on any success.

Lazy Evening

I forgot to pack a T shirt in my gym bag. Rats. I knew I was going home and not back out tonight. Put a clean shirt in my bag for tomorrow. I am determined to continue the exercise to limit my pain this winter. Go Team.

Sunny D

I start my vitamin D supplements today. Sunshine in a capsule.

October Bygone

I dream of forests thick with tall trees, dense with vegetation. Leaves turning red as the nights are getting colder. Seasons will change. The scent of wood smoke drifts among the branches. A rutted road carved by the passage of wagons heads easterly. My skirt sweeps a carpet of fallen leaves as I head for home. The setting sun leaves behind an orange sky dappled with dark blue clouds. October is the month of longing for days gone by.

Parsley Sticks

I had three crops of butterflies this year. The parsley is coming back. I wonder where the caterpillars go when the change calls them?

Grandma's Knees

Ah, after a night of indulgence my knees remind me of the decades we have together. Time to replenish fluids and take some pain killers. Drinked, danced and was merry. Life is good.

Bottom Out

Who has experienced life where you have a hold your breath moment? I mean the type you experience at the top of the roller coaster just before the first big drop. This is where I am right now. I know the bottom is going to drop out, but will I say 'Wheeeeeeee' or will it be a wet your pants thrill ride?

The Parsley is Doomed

I have eggs on the parsley. Caterpillars are a'comin'.

I Have Decided to Live Forever or Die in the Attempt

I am waiting for death. My mother-in-law is dying. Some families grow closer and others bloody their claws. Fair or foul, what is it about death that liberates emotions? I watch from the sidelines as old slights are resurrected. Accusations, recriminations and complaints hurl across the internet. King of the Mountain is played over her dying body.

My own experience with a dying parent was vastly different. I had to find out why. Google an answer in 0.31 seconds. In ‘Families Learn To Say Goodbye to The Dying’, Madison Park highlights a person’s personality doesn’t change in the final days because of terminal illness. After learning that death is nearing, some people avoid talking about the inevitable. While most people want to say goodbye, tie up loose ends, my mother-in-law has been silent. My husband states she is stubborn and selfish. We die as we live.

Reflections

I love the smell of tomato plant on my fingers.

Stick A Fork in It

I went to the golden trough for dinner. You’ve probably eaten there too, that well known place offering steak everyday or all the shrimp you can eat? Ever notice the size of people who come to a buffet? Of course, it could just be the small town I live in. People, especially the women, are large here. Statistically, on any given day, I could see the correct percentage of the obese population coming to graze. Perhaps not. After putting my fork down, I watched my husband stack up empty plates. I wonder if he ever thinks about why he can’t stop eating when he fully acknowledges he eats too much when we come here. A disconnect from what he knows to what he does, but not really.

Errol Morris writes about anosognosia, a condition in which a person who suffers from a disability, seems unaware of or denies the existence the disability. Not-knowing things that we should know — not knowing that we are not making any sense, not knowing that we are paralyzed, not knowing we are missing limbs. Or perhaps not knowing when we should put the fork down. Dunning and Kruger* argued in their paper, “When people are incompetent in the strategies they adopt to achieve success and satisfaction, they suffer a dual burden: Not only do they reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it.” Forrest Gump summed it up,

"Stupid is as stupid does.

*Justin Kruger and David Dunning, “Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties of Recognizing One’s Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-assessments,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1999, vol. 77, no. 6, pp. 1121-1134.

Madame Butterfly

Parsley Is gharsely.--Ogden Nash 

I have a butterfly farm. Course it is at the sacrifice of my parsley. These are the caterpillar of the Black Swallowtail Butterfly. I had to purchase some parsley to supplement their diet. My poor plant was decimated and it was Jenny Craig for the caterpillars.

 

"The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.-- Rabindranath Tagore

Humor Raisin

 

 Humor. Just another tasty ingredient in Hermit Cookies.

Reflections

In Japan, dragonflies are symbols of courage, strength, and happiness, and they often appear in art and literature, especially haiku. In ancient mythology, Japan was known as Akitsushima, which means ‘Land of the Dragonfly’.

I wrote a haiku.

Captured forever
Dragonfly in amber,
Golden memory.

More dragonfly haiku at Natures Echo Haiku series. If you have an idea for a haiku, write me a comment.

Dragonfly In Amber

We are obsessed with time. We have appliances and gizmos to save time. We are encouraged to spend time wisely, time heals all wounds or wounds all heels, time is money, time flies, killing time until it kills you, life's like an hourglass, glued to the table. There are even those who have chronomania. The hurry up disease of attempting to burn the candle at both ends. Faster, faster, faster! Whatever we try to do, it’s all in the hopes of stopping time. Libera me, domine, de morte aeterna, deliver me, o Lord, from eternal death. Kurt Vonnegut wrote, ‘Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment.’ Since eviction from the garden, man has sought immortality. My son has bestowed that on me. I am a dragonfly in amber.

Dragonflies are inhabitants of two realms - a watery birth then metamorphosis to an airy death. The eggs hatch in water and a nymph emerges to grow and develop. They are short and chunky with a crusty hump on their backs, Odonata mini-Quasimodo. This portion of the dragonfly life cycle can take up to four years to complete. The nymph will complete the metamorphosis into a dragonfly by crawling out of the water, shedding it’s skin and emerging as a young dragonfly. They maneuver incredibly sensitive iridescent wings in the slightest breeze. Dashing, darting, hovering and vibrating over the waters all the while hunting for food.

I admit his childhood was not easy as I worked out my own dysfunctional template, imprinting a new generation with faulty traditions. My son was a defiant and difficult child. I only knew one way to handle him. Fossilized in his memory, I am the angry woman married to an alcoholic on the cusp of divorce. Life isn't measured in minutes, but in moments, and he chose this one to preserve.

It saddens me, the looking back through amber colored glass, but I am not left without hope. Dragonflies are a symbol of the sense of self that comes with maturity. Alis volat propiis, She flies with her own wings. I have gained insight, become peaceful, and reconnected with my son. Dragonflies have about 30,000 facets to their compound eyes, giving them nearly a 360° field of vision. A circle. I honestly feel like I've come full circle and my heart is finally in the right place. Adult dragonflies live a short life, about two months, and it knows it must live to the fullest with what it has. This lesson is huge for each of us. We become our best when the life we have left is the shortest.

Reflections

College student Ming takes off on his bike for a seven-day trip to circle the island of Taiwan, relying on his wits and the kindness of strangers along the way. A lyrical film composed of random encounters and small moments, ISLAND ETUDE, captures that romantic period in life when one is free to roam and seek adventure. Ming never gives any real reason for his trip other than that he would never be able to do it if he doesn't seize the chance now, and he simply leaves it at that, for the joy of internal satisfaction. As much as it sounds like a cliché, the audience is left to focus on the journey rather than the destination.

Living in a desert, I appreciate the greenery, the frequent raindrops on pavement and roof, and the ocean waves as Ming bikes along the coastline. My favorite moment is of a family sharing a picnic with Ming. The father quotes from a story I treasure.

"In the morning the sun’s golden rays glitter on the ocean. Thousands of seagulls came out for food, fighting over a tiny fish or bread crumbs. Shrieking and shouting, no one would budge. Jonathon was disgusted by it. He left them behind, practicing flying alone, pursuing an ideal.

The daughter asks, ‘Dad, what are you reciting?’

He names the book telling her she will read it in the sixth grade. He continues, ‘Jonathon is a very special seagull. He’d rather be alone pursuing his ideal. Practices alone. Ignores others ridicule. His only hope is to fly higher, farther and with style.

This is a visually restful movie. One should seize the chance to be like Ming. Watch this movie for no other reason than internal satisfaction.

Humor Raisin

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you!

Humor. Just another tasty ingredient in Hermit Cookies.

The Sky Is Falling or On Being a Defensive Pessimist

"I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears,and part of it fell on my head!

Don’t try to tell me different. I know when the fit is gonna hit the shan. I have it all planned out. Dr. Julie K. Norem, a psychology professor at Wellesley College,calls it "defensive pessimism." And studies have found that people who exhibit it are actually less stressed when they indulge in their Chicken-Little-The-Sky-Is-Falling routine than when they are forced to express more optimistic or hopeful thoughts. 

I have read the stories of people who have harnessed the power of negative thinking in her book, THE POSITIVE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING. The strategy is to (1) lower expectations to help prepare for the worst; (2) mentally play through all the bad things that might happen, a litany of ‘what if’s’. Though it sounds as if it might be depressing, defensive pessimism actually helps anxious people focus away from their emotions so that they can plan and act effectively. It works quite well for me with one small problem.

Chicken Little lives with the Ostrich, better known as a Strategic Optimist, the other end of the coping scale. He sticks his head in the sand assuming nothing much will get in his way because the world is rose-colored. Feathers fly because his is the only coping mechanism deemed acceptable. No ‘what if’s’ are allowed, no questions asked, no detailed research done. He wonders, why am I so negative? Why can’t I just ‘trust him’? Can’t I just ‘relax’? In fact, he contends, I invite negative consequences by planning ways to handle them. 

Dr. Norem says, "A strategic optimist's unconscious goal is not to become anxious. A defensive pessimist's unconscious goal is not to run away." In experiments Norem conducted, defensive pessimists didn't perform as well when they employed relaxation or positive thinking techniques. So how can these two styles cohabit happily?

• Pick your battles. Focus on what truly matters. Don't fight over something that's none of your business, or that you can't do anything about. Make sure the argument is going to solve something.

• Initiate a Ceasefire. Respect the differences. The differences can enhance your relationship if you work with them rather than fight over them. Realize he is handling his anxiety by avoiding thoughts about the situation.

• Surrender. Devoting anxious energy to what could go wrong is strategic. Wallowing over what's already gone wrong is wasteful. If you can't fix it, let it go.

Despite my negativity, I am optimistic. I am a happy pessimist, but I carry an umbrella in the trunk of my car even if the sun is shining.